Vinita Dawra Nangia
Have you noticed how we keep falling into the same patterns repeatedly, especially in relationships?
It took some time but finally she realised there was more than coincidence to blame for the way she kept getting let down by people she trusted the most. She would promote their interests, help instill confidence. And then the same person would turn around and stab her in the back!
This happened not once, not twice, but several times till she started losing confidence and became distrustful of all around, even close friends. It started way back in nursery class, when she would leave her prized pencil box with best friend Reema whenever she visited the washroom. “And still mom, my erasers and pencils get stolen,” she would complain.
Till one day Reema was caught stealing someone else’s stationery! And, Sanjukta realised she had been entrusting her property to the class thief! In fact, it took years of similar experiences before she realised something was seriously wrong! She invariably ended up trusting the wrong person!
It is then that she started questioning why this was happening to her repeatedly. Why me? Why does this happen to me again and again? Sounds familiar? Think about this; all of us go through recurring patterns with something or the other, usually someone or the other. Stray incidents manifest themselves as patterns once we recognise their frequency.
A psychiatrist friend talks of a woman who after an abusive marriage, walked into another wedlock with a guy who not just had an extra-marital affair, but is also mentally abusive. This particular lady comes from a privileged background and is an intelligent and well-sorted person. The psychiatrist wonders how such a bright and evolved woman could have chosen wrong both times for herself!
Such a recurring pattern may be negative, but could also be positive, points out friend and astrologer Sunita Chabra. However, we are unlikely to note the positive incidents; they get taken for granted. We are convinced that we are essentially good people and so don’t question the good things that come our way. It's only when things start going wrong that we start watching out for and questioning patterns! It’s then that we start blaming the world around for the chaos we find ourselves in.
Dr Brian Weiss, renowned American psychiatrist and past life therapist, explains that we get into recurring patterns because there are lessons to be learnt from past lives that we haven’t imbibed and till such time that we do so, we will find ourselves falling into the same trap again and again. Sunita agrees. However she says though we could blame Destiny for some of these recurrences, some could be due to flaws in our own personality too.
Dr Deepak Raheja, psychiatrist and psychotherapist, couldn’t agree more. “A pattern of abuse is like a self-fulfilling prophesy,,” he says. “It’s a defence mechanism called projective identification where we pull and attract through behaviour or our body vibrations situations or people who inflict similar kind of pain or act in a manner that helps the environment go wrong. And then we say the world is too chaotic for us! The paranoid instinct takes over and the picture that emerges is a tarnished, paranoid image.”
In order to break such destructive patterns, the first step is awareness. First, an understanding and an acceptance that one is a victim of such a recurrent destructive pattern, then an awareness as Dr Raheja points out, that the problem is within, not outside us. “We have to understand that the chaos we visualise the world to be, is actually a reflection of the chaos within us. We are attracting those people and situations towards us.”
So, a certain amount of soul searching is important. Even if we cannot understand why we are on this self-destructive trajectory, just an awareness that we are on it, is enough to set us on the path of healing. In fact, Dr Raheja goes a step further and says that these negative occurrences or people are not really destructive, but friendly because they help make us aware of the problem within. “Emotions that inflict pain help us develop cognitive skills that take us to the next level.”
Once we become aware, we can evolve to a higher plane of consciousness where we take ownership for our own actions and it’s from here that the change begins. Dr Raheja quotes Buddhism, which teaches you to pray for those that harm you most because they do so in order to help you realise problems within.
And, it’s when you start thinking thus that your cosmic relationship with that particular person starts changing and there is a break in negative patterns. And so, you stay away from the people or situations, who though still around, are not getting dragged into nor dragging you into recurrent patterns.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
IS YOUR MARRIAGE WORTH SAVING?
Vinita Dawra Nangia
One act of betrayal need not be the end of the road… if your marriage is worth it, fight to save it from a position of strength.
OUR inbox is flooded with mail after the column on conversations with a friend on the verge of a split (Anatomy of A Break-up, October 18). Mail from women in the same situation as Rashmi, my friend who was torn between forgiving a trespassing husband and walking out on him.
Women from different parts of the country, all with a similar story - of a husband dallying on the wrong side of the marital bed. A sorority brought together in my inbox by the common bond of betrayal, unimaginable pain and lots of questions. All extremely hurt, despondent, frustrated, depressed and very, very angry. All looking for someone to talk to, hear them out sympathetically. Plaintive calls for help.
All women have asked me one question. What should they do? They know their husbands are cheating on them, but are torn between the instinct to walk out on the jerks or hang onto the fringes of a tattered marriage for the sake of kids. Most of them haven't spoken of it to anyone; some have not even yet confronted husbands with the knowledge.
Surprisingly, each one of those who wrote to me has kids. Probably the decision to cut your losses and leave is easier where there are no kids.
I am neither a counsellor, nor a psychiatrist - two professions that would be best suited to help these women. But I would still like to address some issues raised by the letters, for all it is worth. As one of the women put it, "When I go to a counsellor, I feel like I've paid this person to listen to me and have a limited time with him/her. And I hate being told what I am doing wrong. I just wish to be told, 'Hey, it's ok to feel like you do!' And only a sympathetic friend can do that."
Having spent hours talking to two of my friends, one who chose to walk out with child from a cheating husband, and another who decided to forgive hers and stayed on, let me attempt to answer some questions thrown up by these letters. Let's call my friends Richa and Mahima respectively to protect their identities.
The most important question an aggrieved woman needs to answer seems to be, "Is your marriage worth saving?" Have you had any happy moments from this marriage that you cherish? If the answer is no, advises Richa, don't even waste time on the man, since the problem here seems to be much deeper than the affair. "And anyway, what are you fighting for? More misery? I could have forgiven my husband one affair if he had been repentant, which he wasn't really, but I left him for all the earlier misery too. My child and I are much happier and more secure after I took this step."
Mahima, the friend who chose to forgive, says, "I am together, sane and healed. I kind of went into a shell for a while. I pampered myself, soaked in my own positivity and saw things for what they are. I have truly forgiven my husband, forgotten the past and started afresh. The biggest positive is that I took my decision from a position of strength. I was ready to be without him. But then I was convinced that he was truly sorry and so forgave him because basically he is a good man."
In both cases, the women agree that once a considered step is taken, never look back or take yourself through the misery of the betrayal again and again. Forgiveness is, in a way, imperative in both cases for your own peace of mind. Even a separated Richa realised she had a lot of bitterness stored up inside her till she reached a point where she didn't care about her ex-husband enough anymore to harbour any kind of feelings for him - positive or negative. That's the point at which she let go the anger and found her peace.
Both Richa and Mahima stress the need of a good woman friend in such a situation. Says Mahima, "A close woman friend helps ground you by showing you the mirror. She can listen without being judgemental and you really need that kind of blind faith when you are feeling so totally betrayed! You need someone for all the times you either wish to cry in total self-pity as well as for when you wish to let fly vitriolic abuse against your husband."
Those who are financially independent are the ones who have a choice; while those dependent on their husbands for financial security are the helpless ones who don't know what to do. For they have little choice. The first thing for those women to do is find a means of livelihood with help of supportive friends and relatives. Once that is done, then they can take a decision from "a position of strength," as Mahima puts it.
To those who wrote to me, I would say, it's very important to make your own happiness because nobody is in charge of your happiness except you. And it's important to make peace with your past so it doesn't spoil the present.
The trick is in reaching out. The moment you do that, you would find a thousand hands to help you...
One act of betrayal need not be the end of the road… if your marriage is worth it, fight to save it from a position of strength.
OUR inbox is flooded with mail after the column on conversations with a friend on the verge of a split (Anatomy of A Break-up, October 18). Mail from women in the same situation as Rashmi, my friend who was torn between forgiving a trespassing husband and walking out on him.
Women from different parts of the country, all with a similar story - of a husband dallying on the wrong side of the marital bed. A sorority brought together in my inbox by the common bond of betrayal, unimaginable pain and lots of questions. All extremely hurt, despondent, frustrated, depressed and very, very angry. All looking for someone to talk to, hear them out sympathetically. Plaintive calls for help.
All women have asked me one question. What should they do? They know their husbands are cheating on them, but are torn between the instinct to walk out on the jerks or hang onto the fringes of a tattered marriage for the sake of kids. Most of them haven't spoken of it to anyone; some have not even yet confronted husbands with the knowledge.
Surprisingly, each one of those who wrote to me has kids. Probably the decision to cut your losses and leave is easier where there are no kids.
I am neither a counsellor, nor a psychiatrist - two professions that would be best suited to help these women. But I would still like to address some issues raised by the letters, for all it is worth. As one of the women put it, "When I go to a counsellor, I feel like I've paid this person to listen to me and have a limited time with him/her. And I hate being told what I am doing wrong. I just wish to be told, 'Hey, it's ok to feel like you do!' And only a sympathetic friend can do that."
Having spent hours talking to two of my friends, one who chose to walk out with child from a cheating husband, and another who decided to forgive hers and stayed on, let me attempt to answer some questions thrown up by these letters. Let's call my friends Richa and Mahima respectively to protect their identities.
The most important question an aggrieved woman needs to answer seems to be, "Is your marriage worth saving?" Have you had any happy moments from this marriage that you cherish? If the answer is no, advises Richa, don't even waste time on the man, since the problem here seems to be much deeper than the affair. "And anyway, what are you fighting for? More misery? I could have forgiven my husband one affair if he had been repentant, which he wasn't really, but I left him for all the earlier misery too. My child and I are much happier and more secure after I took this step."
Mahima, the friend who chose to forgive, says, "I am together, sane and healed. I kind of went into a shell for a while. I pampered myself, soaked in my own positivity and saw things for what they are. I have truly forgiven my husband, forgotten the past and started afresh. The biggest positive is that I took my decision from a position of strength. I was ready to be without him. But then I was convinced that he was truly sorry and so forgave him because basically he is a good man."
In both cases, the women agree that once a considered step is taken, never look back or take yourself through the misery of the betrayal again and again. Forgiveness is, in a way, imperative in both cases for your own peace of mind. Even a separated Richa realised she had a lot of bitterness stored up inside her till she reached a point where she didn't care about her ex-husband enough anymore to harbour any kind of feelings for him - positive or negative. That's the point at which she let go the anger and found her peace.
Both Richa and Mahima stress the need of a good woman friend in such a situation. Says Mahima, "A close woman friend helps ground you by showing you the mirror. She can listen without being judgemental and you really need that kind of blind faith when you are feeling so totally betrayed! You need someone for all the times you either wish to cry in total self-pity as well as for when you wish to let fly vitriolic abuse against your husband."
Those who are financially independent are the ones who have a choice; while those dependent on their husbands for financial security are the helpless ones who don't know what to do. For they have little choice. The first thing for those women to do is find a means of livelihood with help of supportive friends and relatives. Once that is done, then they can take a decision from "a position of strength," as Mahima puts it.
To those who wrote to me, I would say, it's very important to make your own happiness because nobody is in charge of your happiness except you. And it's important to make peace with your past so it doesn't spoil the present.
The trick is in reaching out. The moment you do that, you would find a thousand hands to help you...
EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL -- THE SILENT TREATMENT
Vinita Dawra Nangia
Dr Benjamin Spock warns parents to put an infant to bed in an independent room from Day 1 and not to give in to cries in the middle of the night. He suggests that infants realize early that crying has parents rushing to their bedside and if successful once, will try the same trick every night!
If the art of emotional blackmail is something we are born with, why expect to grow out of it as we go on? Watch a child when it howls for something. In between heart wrenching sobs, he keeps stealing glances to ensure he hasn’t lost the interest of his target audience, mostly parents.
As besotted parents give in to the cute little tyrant’s emotional blackmail, this sets the pattern for the habit of a lifetime. All of us indulge in a bit of emotional blackmail; we give in to it or resist a bit of it every day in almost all relationships. And we even enjoy it in its most innocent form. A lover and a beloved, for instance make a fine art of emotional manipulation and cajole each other into doing what they want.
Emotional involvement with another creates undefined boundaries between people. Expectations have no set models and could vary crazily, thus setting the grounds for misunderstandings. Put together unjustified demands along with misplaced expectations and the situation could be rife for disaster.
Healthy relationships are able to define boundaries as they go along. Amoeba like they shift, adjust and realign themselves till a comfort level is reached for both parties. And all is well so long as both parties take considered decisions to accept, circumvent or reject attempts at emotional manipulation. So long as there is a healthy give and take both ways, there is no issue.
And hence there’s not much harm, and sometimes even pleasure, in giving in to a child’s innocent attempts at manipulation by using emotion as a threat. Or, even in indulging the beloved who refuses to talk, smile, or allow sex till some demand of hers is met. There is a light interplay of emotions in these circumstances that even helps cement the bond. There is a thrilling sense of power in watching your loved one give in to your emotional demands and a certain reassurance that can only help the relationship.
However, emotional blackmail isn’t always as simple or innocent as that between a child and a parent or an upset beloved with an indulgent lover. And often in the hands of the wrong person can become an instrument of emotional manipulation and control.
It’s when all demands emanate from one person and all adjustments are expected from the other that light, emotional interplay crosses the boundary over to heavy emotional blackmail.
It’s important to recognize the first indication that you are a victim of emotional blackmail before you get pulled along with the tide and find it difficult to extricate yourself, says Aruna, who has been a victim of such behaviour and was introduced to me by a psychiatrist friend who helped the couple out of a dead-end relationship.
The modus operandi of an emotional blackmailer is to play up emotions on an all-time high. Aruna explains how her husband would often threaten her directly or threaten to harm himself; at times he would act the martyr to attract sympathy or try to tantalise with attempted bribery. All the time he demanded an overdose of attention, expect his demands to be met at any and every time. Aruna reveals how she would spend all her time catering to his demands, whims and fancies. And he would never care about her needs or emotions ever.
Experts describe the emotional blackmailer as someone who usually gives in to fluctuating moods, is an intense personality who listens to dark music and is attracted by emotional lyrics and poetry. He normally blames the rest of the world for all his troubles, is a loner who claims nobody understands him and is someone who often threatens to walk out of relationships.
Aruna talks about another favourite technique of emotional manipulators. It is “the Silent Treatment,” she says with a sad smile. This is a great attention-seeking strategy. Such people withdraw, remain silent and don’t allow you an inch to approach them. “After an interval, he would turn up again and blame me for not being there when he truly needed me,” she says. It’s a no-win situation for the victim and helps manoeuvre you into the position the perpetrator wants.
How does one get out of such a situation? Aruna advises one must first and foremost understand they are being blackmailed and that this is totally abusive behaviour. The next step is to draw boundaries and refuse to be a victim anymore. It is important to understand and consider one’s own needs. And if need be, one should seek help. As Aruna did.
Dr Benjamin Spock warns parents to put an infant to bed in an independent room from Day 1 and not to give in to cries in the middle of the night. He suggests that infants realize early that crying has parents rushing to their bedside and if successful once, will try the same trick every night!
If the art of emotional blackmail is something we are born with, why expect to grow out of it as we go on? Watch a child when it howls for something. In between heart wrenching sobs, he keeps stealing glances to ensure he hasn’t lost the interest of his target audience, mostly parents.
As besotted parents give in to the cute little tyrant’s emotional blackmail, this sets the pattern for the habit of a lifetime. All of us indulge in a bit of emotional blackmail; we give in to it or resist a bit of it every day in almost all relationships. And we even enjoy it in its most innocent form. A lover and a beloved, for instance make a fine art of emotional manipulation and cajole each other into doing what they want.
Emotional involvement with another creates undefined boundaries between people. Expectations have no set models and could vary crazily, thus setting the grounds for misunderstandings. Put together unjustified demands along with misplaced expectations and the situation could be rife for disaster.
Healthy relationships are able to define boundaries as they go along. Amoeba like they shift, adjust and realign themselves till a comfort level is reached for both parties. And all is well so long as both parties take considered decisions to accept, circumvent or reject attempts at emotional manipulation. So long as there is a healthy give and take both ways, there is no issue.
And hence there’s not much harm, and sometimes even pleasure, in giving in to a child’s innocent attempts at manipulation by using emotion as a threat. Or, even in indulging the beloved who refuses to talk, smile, or allow sex till some demand of hers is met. There is a light interplay of emotions in these circumstances that even helps cement the bond. There is a thrilling sense of power in watching your loved one give in to your emotional demands and a certain reassurance that can only help the relationship.
However, emotional blackmail isn’t always as simple or innocent as that between a child and a parent or an upset beloved with an indulgent lover. And often in the hands of the wrong person can become an instrument of emotional manipulation and control.
It’s when all demands emanate from one person and all adjustments are expected from the other that light, emotional interplay crosses the boundary over to heavy emotional blackmail.
It’s important to recognize the first indication that you are a victim of emotional blackmail before you get pulled along with the tide and find it difficult to extricate yourself, says Aruna, who has been a victim of such behaviour and was introduced to me by a psychiatrist friend who helped the couple out of a dead-end relationship.
The modus operandi of an emotional blackmailer is to play up emotions on an all-time high. Aruna explains how her husband would often threaten her directly or threaten to harm himself; at times he would act the martyr to attract sympathy or try to tantalise with attempted bribery. All the time he demanded an overdose of attention, expect his demands to be met at any and every time. Aruna reveals how she would spend all her time catering to his demands, whims and fancies. And he would never care about her needs or emotions ever.
Experts describe the emotional blackmailer as someone who usually gives in to fluctuating moods, is an intense personality who listens to dark music and is attracted by emotional lyrics and poetry. He normally blames the rest of the world for all his troubles, is a loner who claims nobody understands him and is someone who often threatens to walk out of relationships.
Aruna talks about another favourite technique of emotional manipulators. It is “the Silent Treatment,” she says with a sad smile. This is a great attention-seeking strategy. Such people withdraw, remain silent and don’t allow you an inch to approach them. “After an interval, he would turn up again and blame me for not being there when he truly needed me,” she says. It’s a no-win situation for the victim and helps manoeuvre you into the position the perpetrator wants.
How does one get out of such a situation? Aruna advises one must first and foremost understand they are being blackmailed and that this is totally abusive behaviour. The next step is to draw boundaries and refuse to be a victim anymore. It is important to understand and consider one’s own needs. And if need be, one should seek help. As Aruna did.
PAPA DON'T PREACH!
Vinita Dawra Nangia
During a casual chat a colleague mentioned he had been an average student whose disillusioned father had at best expected him to man a grocery store. Today, as he handles a coveted position with The Times of India, he reveals how in his mind he is still trying to prove his worth to his father all the time.
Another colleague, whose bureaucrat father wanted him to follow in his footsteps, confesses he spent the first few years of his professional life trying to prove to his father how a job in the private sector has its own charms, even if not the security of a government job.
A friend who works with a private sector bank actually took a break from his job to take up teaching assignments in a couple of reputed private institutes. Later he admitted this was nothing but a subconscious attempt to prove to his father that even though he couldn’t get into an IIT, he could still teach management students!
Those who have stopped trying to prove their worth to Daddy are people who feel they have gone beyond expectations and whose parents have acknowledged that in so many words. Apart from that, deep down each one of us is more often than not trying to prove ourselves to our parents.
If so many of us grow up struggling with our parents’ notions of us, perceived or real, it becomes incumbent on parents to be extremely careful how they project their expectations and desires onto children.
There was a time when it was the most natural thing for parents to expect children to fulfill their own unachieved desires or to even follow in their footsteps. I can understand why a businessman would expect his children to grow up and take over the business. But I cannot understand why a politician would want his child to be a politician, a doctor expect a child to grow up into his profession, or a bureaucrat insist his child appear for the Civil Services exams at least once!
I even know a child who attended his father’s college briefly just to please his dad, before going on to the institute he really wanted to study at! While at one level, this may seem sweet and rather the act of an ideal son, can you imagine the pressure on the poor child?
Why are we in the habit of foisting the burden of our unfulfilled desires onto the next generation? Why do we feel obliged to decide for our children what we want them to do or be in life? In doing so, we assume that our child is our mirror image and wants exactly what we want of life. Or, worse still, when choices and desires obviously clash, we choose to believe we know better than our children!
The many factors apart from genes that go into the making of a person, along with evolution ensure that the next gen is totally different from us with shifting goalposts and a better idea of what they want from life. It would be foolish to assume we can impose dreams and goals onto them. Our dreams and desires must either be fulfilled by us or end with us. As simple and brutal as that.
With her years of experience as celebrated Principal of Delhi Public School, Dr Shayama Chona, now President, Tamana and author of Effective Parenting, says, “Everything in life is a payback. You give back to your children whatever you hear, see or experience yourself. Parents should really leave them alone to achieve their potential. Do not impact kids with what you want them to be. Understand what they want to achieve and give them the confidence that their parents support them for their desires and goals, rather than for fulfilling their own needs. Indeed families that give more importance to their children’s thoughts and ambitions achieve greater success with their children.”
It is equally important to be sensitive when telling off children or criticizing them. One has to understand that the effect of something we may say casually may become a lifelong albatross round the child’s neck. In his desire to please and inborn instinct to meet his parents’ approval, the child may carry the burden of an unfulfilled desire or an unmet dream all life through…
And then he could be a super achiever occupying a most coveted position, and still be thinking, “Hey Dad, I made it! Err, do you agree with me…?”
During a casual chat a colleague mentioned he had been an average student whose disillusioned father had at best expected him to man a grocery store. Today, as he handles a coveted position with The Times of India, he reveals how in his mind he is still trying to prove his worth to his father all the time.
Another colleague, whose bureaucrat father wanted him to follow in his footsteps, confesses he spent the first few years of his professional life trying to prove to his father how a job in the private sector has its own charms, even if not the security of a government job.
A friend who works with a private sector bank actually took a break from his job to take up teaching assignments in a couple of reputed private institutes. Later he admitted this was nothing but a subconscious attempt to prove to his father that even though he couldn’t get into an IIT, he could still teach management students!
Those who have stopped trying to prove their worth to Daddy are people who feel they have gone beyond expectations and whose parents have acknowledged that in so many words. Apart from that, deep down each one of us is more often than not trying to prove ourselves to our parents.
If so many of us grow up struggling with our parents’ notions of us, perceived or real, it becomes incumbent on parents to be extremely careful how they project their expectations and desires onto children.
There was a time when it was the most natural thing for parents to expect children to fulfill their own unachieved desires or to even follow in their footsteps. I can understand why a businessman would expect his children to grow up and take over the business. But I cannot understand why a politician would want his child to be a politician, a doctor expect a child to grow up into his profession, or a bureaucrat insist his child appear for the Civil Services exams at least once!
I even know a child who attended his father’s college briefly just to please his dad, before going on to the institute he really wanted to study at! While at one level, this may seem sweet and rather the act of an ideal son, can you imagine the pressure on the poor child?
Why are we in the habit of foisting the burden of our unfulfilled desires onto the next generation? Why do we feel obliged to decide for our children what we want them to do or be in life? In doing so, we assume that our child is our mirror image and wants exactly what we want of life. Or, worse still, when choices and desires obviously clash, we choose to believe we know better than our children!
The many factors apart from genes that go into the making of a person, along with evolution ensure that the next gen is totally different from us with shifting goalposts and a better idea of what they want from life. It would be foolish to assume we can impose dreams and goals onto them. Our dreams and desires must either be fulfilled by us or end with us. As simple and brutal as that.
With her years of experience as celebrated Principal of Delhi Public School, Dr Shayama Chona, now President, Tamana and author of Effective Parenting, says, “Everything in life is a payback. You give back to your children whatever you hear, see or experience yourself. Parents should really leave them alone to achieve their potential. Do not impact kids with what you want them to be. Understand what they want to achieve and give them the confidence that their parents support them for their desires and goals, rather than for fulfilling their own needs. Indeed families that give more importance to their children’s thoughts and ambitions achieve greater success with their children.”
It is equally important to be sensitive when telling off children or criticizing them. One has to understand that the effect of something we may say casually may become a lifelong albatross round the child’s neck. In his desire to please and inborn instinct to meet his parents’ approval, the child may carry the burden of an unfulfilled desire or an unmet dream all life through…
And then he could be a super achiever occupying a most coveted position, and still be thinking, “Hey Dad, I made it! Err, do you agree with me…?”
WHEN ROMANCE ENDS...HOW TO PART ON GOOD TERMS
Vinita Dawra Nangia
When Priyanka Chopra and Harman Baweja split, she seemed to move out faster and more smoothly from the relationship than Harman did. In a recent interview he talks about his suffering during the shooting of What’sYour Rashi? “There was a lot of awkwardness. It was hard to see her talk on the phone and text. I knew what was happening…” he says, hinting that Priyanka was carrying on with Shahid right under his nose.
Priyanka, on the other hand, well into another relationship, was seemingly insensitive to Harman’s suffering. When Kareena and Shahid split, Kareena seemed to move on more smoothly into a new relationship with Saif, while Shahid seemed to linger on in the now defunct relationship for a while longer.
Almost always when a relationship ends, one person tends to shed it off faster, while the other wades through the pain and grief of parting. How you respond depends on your personality type and state of dependence on your partner, but mostly is dictated by the manner in which the parting happened. Did one unexpectedly walk out of the relationship while the other was unprepared? Or, was it a slow and helpless falling out of love on both sides? Did the relationship have a history of one martyr and one perpetrator of injustice? Did one cheat or hurt the other in any way? Was there respect in the relationship?
What helps the process is if the break is for the right reason. If two partners decide to break off to move on to more positive and fulfilling stuff, the parting is likely to be amicable. However if one partner walks out more as a statement, seeking to hurt or ‘punish’ the other, the parting and subsequent interaction is bound to be acrimonious and painful for both. In order to have a peaceful after, it’s important to weed out the negativity along with the end of the relationship.
The younger and inexperienced you are, the more likely are you to take the break-up hard. However youth also grants resilience and a younger person is likely to recover faster from a break than an older one. Longer the relationship, the harder the hit. The hurt is bound to affect both partners; there can be no break without some pain.
However, in deference to the relationship and earlier shared love, it is incumbent on the break-up pair to ensure the impact on the other is minimal. Some people find it helps to have a “Transition Relationship” around the time of a break up. Almost always in a breakup, one person has found someone other to love, while the other is smarting under disbelief and grief.
The hurt person may attract such a temporary relationship, which often breaks up after a while. It is commonly looked upon as a “relationship on the rebound” that was a miscalculation and so, bound to break. However, I prefer to agree with those who look upon such transition affairs as a helpful hand Destiny extended to help us across a difficult period of life. And since such help is needed for just a while, these relationships, by their very nature, are destined to be short lasting.
The most critical thing to remember in the midst of all this grief is that time heals all. There comes a time when the heartache stops, tears dry up and the only emotion that remains is maybe a soft regret for what could have been. Unless of course you have reason not to let go that last link with the relationship. As with actor Rekha, who often chooses to create embarrassing moments by keeping alive the memory of her decades-old affair with Amitabh Bachchan. The Big B though, seems to have moved on. Unless he is a better actor than her!
One moves on and stops grieving, no matter how sharp and unnerving the parting. Knowing this as a reality in the middle of your tragedy helps. And what helps more than anything else is the knowledge that your partner, even though estranged, is still according you due respect and making an effort to help make the parting easier for you. And so, it becomes important that you return the favour.
You cannot predict or help how a relationship ends. But you can certainly choose to let go of it with dignity. For this, it is important to first accept that yes, the relationship has actually ended. The support of friends and family is something that should be actively sought to help you tide over the worst of the crisis.
Remember that under the stress of a breaking relationship, tempers can be mercurial; try and avoid getting into fights, and make some allowances for the other partner’s irrational words and actions; it will help you retain your sanity.
Even if you have moved into a new relationship, do not flaunt it in front of your ex or mutual friends. Every relationship needs a closure. It is important to talk as well as to listen, to discuss and together try to understand rationally and without emotion what went wrong. Also, take think of all the things you can do now that you will be free. Plan your days in a manner that doesn’t allow you time for brooding.
Try staying away from reminders of happy times, at least for a while. Those memories will bring a smile later, now they will only make you miserable. Do not try to “remain friends” at least at this stage…that’s unnatural and can perhaps come later.
If handled carefully on both sides, parting though still painful, can cease to be a lifelong trauma.
When Priyanka Chopra and Harman Baweja split, she seemed to move out faster and more smoothly from the relationship than Harman did. In a recent interview he talks about his suffering during the shooting of What’sYour Rashi? “There was a lot of awkwardness. It was hard to see her talk on the phone and text. I knew what was happening…” he says, hinting that Priyanka was carrying on with Shahid right under his nose.
Priyanka, on the other hand, well into another relationship, was seemingly insensitive to Harman’s suffering. When Kareena and Shahid split, Kareena seemed to move on more smoothly into a new relationship with Saif, while Shahid seemed to linger on in the now defunct relationship for a while longer.
Almost always when a relationship ends, one person tends to shed it off faster, while the other wades through the pain and grief of parting. How you respond depends on your personality type and state of dependence on your partner, but mostly is dictated by the manner in which the parting happened. Did one unexpectedly walk out of the relationship while the other was unprepared? Or, was it a slow and helpless falling out of love on both sides? Did the relationship have a history of one martyr and one perpetrator of injustice? Did one cheat or hurt the other in any way? Was there respect in the relationship?
What helps the process is if the break is for the right reason. If two partners decide to break off to move on to more positive and fulfilling stuff, the parting is likely to be amicable. However if one partner walks out more as a statement, seeking to hurt or ‘punish’ the other, the parting and subsequent interaction is bound to be acrimonious and painful for both. In order to have a peaceful after, it’s important to weed out the negativity along with the end of the relationship.
The younger and inexperienced you are, the more likely are you to take the break-up hard. However youth also grants resilience and a younger person is likely to recover faster from a break than an older one. Longer the relationship, the harder the hit. The hurt is bound to affect both partners; there can be no break without some pain.
However, in deference to the relationship and earlier shared love, it is incumbent on the break-up pair to ensure the impact on the other is minimal. Some people find it helps to have a “Transition Relationship” around the time of a break up. Almost always in a breakup, one person has found someone other to love, while the other is smarting under disbelief and grief.
The hurt person may attract such a temporary relationship, which often breaks up after a while. It is commonly looked upon as a “relationship on the rebound” that was a miscalculation and so, bound to break. However, I prefer to agree with those who look upon such transition affairs as a helpful hand Destiny extended to help us across a difficult period of life. And since such help is needed for just a while, these relationships, by their very nature, are destined to be short lasting.
The most critical thing to remember in the midst of all this grief is that time heals all. There comes a time when the heartache stops, tears dry up and the only emotion that remains is maybe a soft regret for what could have been. Unless of course you have reason not to let go that last link with the relationship. As with actor Rekha, who often chooses to create embarrassing moments by keeping alive the memory of her decades-old affair with Amitabh Bachchan. The Big B though, seems to have moved on. Unless he is a better actor than her!
One moves on and stops grieving, no matter how sharp and unnerving the parting. Knowing this as a reality in the middle of your tragedy helps. And what helps more than anything else is the knowledge that your partner, even though estranged, is still according you due respect and making an effort to help make the parting easier for you. And so, it becomes important that you return the favour.
You cannot predict or help how a relationship ends. But you can certainly choose to let go of it with dignity. For this, it is important to first accept that yes, the relationship has actually ended. The support of friends and family is something that should be actively sought to help you tide over the worst of the crisis.
Remember that under the stress of a breaking relationship, tempers can be mercurial; try and avoid getting into fights, and make some allowances for the other partner’s irrational words and actions; it will help you retain your sanity.
Even if you have moved into a new relationship, do not flaunt it in front of your ex or mutual friends. Every relationship needs a closure. It is important to talk as well as to listen, to discuss and together try to understand rationally and without emotion what went wrong. Also, take think of all the things you can do now that you will be free. Plan your days in a manner that doesn’t allow you time for brooding.
Try staying away from reminders of happy times, at least for a while. Those memories will bring a smile later, now they will only make you miserable. Do not try to “remain friends” at least at this stage…that’s unnatural and can perhaps come later.
If handled carefully on both sides, parting though still painful, can cease to be a lifelong trauma.
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