tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79552810601587710192024-02-06T18:12:45.198-08:00blaze a trailVinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-72234662846051237362014-05-31T22:35:00.001-07:002014-05-31T22:36:21.714-07:00Did you miss your Eureka moment?<p><strong style="font-weight: normal;">Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /><br /></strong></p><p><strong style="font-weight: normal;"><em>All big things start small. Inspiration need not hit you on the head; it waits for you in everyday, mundane matters</em></strong><br /><br />
All of us have our moments. But not everyone is observant or reflective enough to convert these into Eureka moments, as Archimedes did when he jumped out of his bath naked, to propound the Theory of Displacement.<br /><br />
Nor does everyone who gets knocked on the head by a falling apple, end up understanding the Law of Gravity like Newton. Most big things begin small; almost all major inspirations have been found in smaller things everyday mundane matters, which may seem inconsequential, but upon reflection, form a meaningful picture.<br /><br />
What is critical is an observant eye and a mind that is constantly alert and ticking questioning, reflecting, discussing and understanding. It is important to be able to rise above the immediate and personal moment, and be able to look at it in a larger context, which helps us evolve as stronger, better human beings.<br /><br />
All of us find our personal triggers in innocuous everyday moments, which may have a deep emotional impact on us. The wish to repeat happy moments, or the desire to avoid repeating depressing, humiliating ones can be a powerful trigger. A child’s innocent smile and trusting eyes can be a huge motivator for parents to live up to the faith a child reposes in them. So can the adoring eyes of a lover.<br /><br />
Happiness experienced by a small generous act can motivate one towards consistent philanthropy. When a lady in Boston started leaving blankets anonymously on benches on cold nights for homeless people, it triggered a movement of random acts of kindness and generosity.<br /><br />
Sometimes your will to fight the big battles of life comes from small things.Take the instance of German Communist Alois Pfaller’s persistent struggle against the Nazis, recounted in Laurence Rees’ Their Darkest Hour People tested to the extreme in WWII. When years later, Rees asked Alois what motivated him to stand up to the Nazis, despite merciless beatings and 11 years in concentration camps, he replied that all through childhood he had competed with his stepsister for his stepmother’s attention, but failed, since `a mother is a mother’. “And then I swore to myself, when you grow up, you have to fight against injustice, never mind against who, you always have to fight injustice… and with this, I had the ability to resist, and the ability to get through it nothing else.“<br /><br />
And so out of a sense of jealousy and alienation came the determination to fight for justice. He converted his deeply ingrained sense of hurt into a positive when he decided to fight all injustice.<br /><br />
That is the sign of a great individual, one who is able to elevate himself above present and personal circumstances and rather than avenge personal slights in a narrow, vindictive manner, or allow them to stigmatise him, decides to lock horns with the evil itself.<br /><br />
Closer home, Mahatma Gandhi’s campaign against injustice and the momentous role he played in the history of India was triggered by a small incident, when he was thrown off a train in South Africa. Humiliated and smarting from the injustice and racial slur, Gandhi decided to fight injustice, later hailing this incident as his “moment of truth“.
The trigger that led Kalidasa to becoming the greatest Sanskrit poet and dramatist was skrit poet and dramatist was the scorn of his wife, Princess Vidyottama, for his ignorance and passion for her. When in 1871, noted Indian industrialist Jamsetji Tata was denied entry into the all-whites Watson Hotel in Mumbai, he built the Taj Mahal Hotel down the same road.<br /><br />
The ability to take on negativity and turn it to a positive learning, to be able to look at little positives and use them to spur you on to greater goodness, and to observe everyday phenomena and find deeper, scientific or spiritual meanings in them this is the stuff greatness is made of.<br /><br />
What are your everyday triggers? Are you noticing and reflecting upon how to turn these into your Eureka moments, or just sailing alongside, oblivious?<br /><br />Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-23084470191991249112014-05-24T22:46:00.003-07:002014-05-24T22:46:30.497-07:00Lessons from Auschwitz<p><strong style="font-weight: normal;">Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /><br /></strong></p><p><strong style="font-weight: normal;"><em>It is important to record the dark periods of history in order to understand all aspects of humanity, lest we forget and repeat mistakes</em></strong><br /><br />
If you visit Poland, a trip to Auschwitz is a given. Warnings of an emotional onslaught did not bother me; I wanted to explore my own emotions in the face of one of the world’s deadliest mass killing pogroms.<br /><br />
And so it was an anticlimax when walking through Auschwitz felt more like a pilgrimage than a trail of horror, emotion or tears. A fellow tourist echoed my feelings when he said, “I expected Auschwitz to be much bigger, and I thought I would be affected far more than I was.“ He sounded disappointed, almost as if a little more emotional wrenching was in order! Indeed, Aushwitz has the look of a place that has exorcised all its ghosts.<br /><br />
Scrubbed clean and almost antiseptic, the barracks that saw the torture and extermination of more than a million prisoners by Nazis during World War II, 90 percent of them Jews, have been wiped clean of the scent of fear and pain. The super sanitised environ is in sharp contrast with the depraved inhumanity and breach of human rights this site witnessed.
But then you come to the rooms that house within large glass cases tufts of hair from the heads of more than a lakh Jewish prisoners, shoes, suitcases marked with their names, baby clothes and baby shoes and the reality of the tragedy hits across the decades. These are the images you carry away with you. Indeed it is important to be able to feel. We wish to feel because we care. We choose to remember this tragedy and be affected by it as part of an unspoken resolve to not let it recur.<br /><br />
This is Dark Tourism the appeal of sites associated with tragedy and inhumanity. Warsaw, with its history of battering at the hands of Germans and Russians, also has museums dedicated to the Warsaw Uprising and the Uprising of the Jews, as do most Western countries to record their dark eras. New York attracts tourists to Ground Zero.<br /><br />
In India, with our culture of blaming it all on destiny, celebration of life and moving on, we have a singular lack of sites that record the dark aspects of our history. We sorely lack museums that record the track of misery and suffering we repeatedly went through at the hands of invaders museums that could serve as a constant reminder for the need to be sensitised to the possibility of recurrences.<br /><br />
As Prof J Lennon, who coined the term `Dark Tourism’ says in an article in The Telegraph, visiting Dark Tourism sites is a crucial way for us to learn the lessons of the past. He warns that not to record may encourage future generations to forget terrible periods of human history. “Dark Tourism, like our dark history, occupies an important part of our understanding of what it is to be human.“<br /><br />
To not record does not obliterate the fact that the horror did exist and as time goes by, more than an emotional journey, Dark Tourism sites are a journey of intellectual curiosity and a horrific, but necessary, reminder of the cruelty we are capable of. We go there to remind ourselves that this happened, and to sensitise ourselves to the need for preventing such atrocities.<br /><br />
Though we may reject the possibility, can we be so sure history will not repeat itself? The fact is, as historian Laurence Rees says, people don’t change, circumstances do. After all, technology makes it so much easier today to be able to perpetrate atrocities on fellow humans without having to look them in the eye, as you kill. And, then what? It’s too scarily like a video game… Just requires one kinky mind at the helm.<br /><br />
And so, it becomes exceedingly important to remember and empathise else we repeat our dark history. Again, and again! Don’t we, in India?<br /><br />
Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-19520765333481607862013-03-16T21:33:00.002-07:002014-05-24T22:34:57.640-07:00Let’s dance the marital foxtrot<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i>Step up the effort and manage expectations — whether you are a single looking for a partner, or a couple desiring matrimonial bliss</i>
There are those who give up on marriage even before they enter into matrimony, and then there are those who give up on it after a few years of wedded bliss. Both cases are equally sad.<br /><br />
Unable to find a partner and get married, some singles console themselves that they are better off without getting hitched. Having left it too late or set their standards too high, much like a case of sour grapes, they declare that their singlehood is a coveted, chosen status. The truth is that most of us have a small ambit within which we have to choose the partners of our liking. The choice is limited, unless we choose to widen that ambit by stepping out and making an effort to meet people from different walks of life. The more we step out and look, the wider the choice becomes, but there certainly has to be an effort and a determination to succeed. Most singles I know seldom make that effort; all they do is wait for the right person to walk along and ring the bell! In the meanwhile, they keep considering and rejecting those around, or feeling rejected in turn.<br /><br />
However just meeting people isn't enough; your motivation to get married too has to be high in an age when most needs are already met. Social networking sites help stave off loneliness and fulfil a need to communicate and participate, weakening the desire to step up our search for a life partner. Colleagues and friends at work take care of social needs, and most people do not wait till marriage to experience romance and sex. This distracts and delays the agenda of setting up a marital home. Striking a chord takes more time and effort than we are willing to give, and zeroing in and finalising a partner requires more courage than most care to display. And by the time we smell the coffee, it is too late. Seeing possibilities wane, we try to make the best of the situation and console ourselves that we are better off without marriage.<br /><br />
Equally sad is the case of married people, who after a few years of matrimony, drift away from each other and stop making efforts to improve their wedded bliss. They find it easier to give up on each other and start cohabiting, rather than living together. Bitterness seeps in and eats away at the innards, creating deeper rifts till pain and depression take over life. Here again, it is high expectations and low efforts that create the problem. Most people walk into marriage expecting to find a state of readymade permanent bliss. They fail to realise that perfection is not found in marriage, it needs to be worked upon. That is why many arranged marriages have a better chance of survival than love marriages. You enter the first expecting to work on the marriage and build up a relationship, while you walk into the latter expecting nothing but bliss.<br /><br />
There is no such thing as a perfect marriage or a perfect partner. One can have perfect moments or even perfect days in a marriage, and one can discover perfect aspects in the personality of a partner. Most of the time, it's looking out of the window that creates problems. Keeping an exit policy in the marriage contract, as Hollywood stars do, is a sure way to start ending the marriage even before it has begun. No wonder then that each of them has several marriages and kids, but is never settled or happy.<br /><br />
The role of passion and commitment cannot be overstressed in a marriage. Making a success of your marriage has to be a passionate commitment, a top priority. A couple has to be friends and lovers first all through their married years, no matter how old they are. Parenthood should not be allowed to push back this focus. Spending exclusive time together has to be scheduled as a mustdo. In fact, plan not just moments of togetherness, but also loving gestures, words and care; after a time, they become a natural part of life.<br /><br />
Having fun together, being loving and caring and large hearted enough to forgive and care again makes all the difference. Staying balanced in your relationship is of utmost importance. Fighting is normal, but one needs to know where to draw the line so as not to irrevocably hurt the other. We all know when we have overstepped; if you have done so, apologise and make up immediately. When you see your partner in an aggressive and unreasonable mood, learn to step back rather than let fly, and teach your partner to do likewise. Much like the foxtrot, as one advances, the other retreats, while still hanging on lovingly to each other — and that creates the perfect rhythm that the dance of matrimony requires.Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-49037313566390070292012-08-26T05:41:00.001-07:002014-05-24T22:35:43.477-07:00Why I Love Being a Woman!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<p><strong style="font-weight: normal;">Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /><br /></strong></p><p><strong style="font-weight: normal;"><em>A woman’s greatest kick has to be the ability to balance her sense of power as creator and nurturer with her sheer indulgences as a beautiful creation herself!</em></strong><br /><br />The thrill is not just in being a woman, but being a woman in the right century! And in this day and age, there cannot be many women who do not revel in their sheer feminity and absolute power! As we all know, feminity and power, far from being mutually exclusive, are two sides of the same coin. Think Shakti, the divine, feminine creative power! The Power responsible not just for all creation, but the agent of all change as well!<br /><br />
I cannot believe any woman not feeling this great sense of empowerment and well-being that springs from within. The power to create, nurture and heal that is a part of her very being, endows her with unique abilities, positioning her as the centre of all existence and change around her.<br /><br />
When Lord Byron wrote ‘She walks in beauty,’ I’m sure he talked not just of the grace and deport of a woman, but was able to pierce through to her very core, which provides the majestic aura she walks within. To me, every woman who is allowed to grow unfettered, exercising her free will, is bound to walk in beauty!<br /><br />
What is it that a woman enjoys the most about being the fairer sex? I would say her ability to revel in her power, as much as the freedom to indulge her weakness. She is admired for being strong and loved for being frail and helpless; she can rave and rant when crazed with anger, and the next minute melt into a puddle of helpless love. She can enjoy her many moods and feminine aspects without having to abide by adages or the need to be strong all the time. A woman’s intuitive understanding of life and relationships, and her role as the great bonding factor in a family are unique strengths that she does not share with the opposite sex.<br /><br />
The depths of passion in her eyes, the wealth of caring in her heart, the power of resilience, of survival are all qualities a woman enjoys, growing more beautiful and understanding with the years.<br /><br />
As usual, my Facebook friends (I appealed to only women) had interesting insights to share. Each one of them loves being a woman and with one exception, they all want to be reborn female! Madhulika Dash applauds a woman’s “sense of compassion…... and the ability to infuse life into whatever we touch...” Anjali Bhargava says, “The sheer strength a woman has… epitomises the completeness in a being. I revel in the sensuous, intoxicating power of being a woman!” Deepika Sahu wouldn’t trade her world as a woman for anything else – a world “so very full of colors, variety, ability/desire to give without calculating, love, sensuality, tenderness, sensitivity… and of course gorgeous men who make me feel like a queen!”<br /><br />
Pramila Maheshwari quips, “Shiva or Sati? Always the fairer one is the choice -- she is happening, life, creation, nurturing -- all activity is at her end.” Madhu Kamath says, “We are an unprecedented intricate, beautiful and unique piece of creation!!” Harmesh Khanna loves the “fact that we don't have to hide our feelings or keep a stiff upper lip at all times...our ability to keep going in the toughest of times ...of being ourselves, of getting pampered.”<br /><br />
If you need to hear what the stars say, Katrina Kaif loves the fact that she can be “soft and feminine and yet a successful working woman”, Sonam Kapoor loves being a woman because of “the ability to create life.” Marilyn Monroe said, “I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.”<br /><br />
A naughty friend says, “Chuck all that, I love the fact that I can get the strongest man down to his knees in a puddle of desire if I set my mind to it! Why would I want to be that man?!”<br /><br />
Why indeed! And to support her, here we have it from the Father of all politicians – wily statesman Chanakya, “The world's biggest power is the youth and beauty of a woman!”<br /><br />
Need we say more?Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-52646556257516307512012-08-26T05:33:00.000-07:002012-08-26T05:33:13.850-07:00Why can’t a man be more like a man?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<p><strong style="font-weight: normal;">Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /><br /></strong></p><p><strong style="font-weight: normal;"><em>Who needs whimpering men trying hard to connect to their emotional side? Studies show that men are just as sensitive as women, and they don’t need tears to prove that!</em></strong><br /><br />How often have you heard a man say, “I fail to understand, why is everything my fault?” This intimidation, to me, is the reason most men refuse to let their guard down around women! A guy feels he is always under a microscope around a woman, being examined for various flaws! One wrong step; a mismatched outfit; an insensitive word; the slip of an eye or tongue; a delay, or just the wrong facial expression – he can be blamed for anything, any time!
Sigh! I do believe sometimes women are rather tough on guys! They intimidate men with their over analysis. Men on the other hand, are becoming more suspicious of women! As women make strides, men become ever more protective of what they consider their domains. The female accusation, “Men are so out of touch with their emotions!” has become almost a macho flag that every man carries proudly, “I’m not good at emotions – what do you expect, I’m a man!”
But is that really true? A man may talk less about his emotions, but does that mean he feels any less? True, women are four times more likely to seek counseling than men, but that’s because a woman finds it easier to talk about her problems. She seeks opinions, like-minded discussions, peer advice and then processes the information before deciding what to do. A man’s first instinct, on the other hand, is to go for action. Evolution has geared him for that, and action is the language he speaks and understands better than discussion. His primal hunting instinct urges him to act fast rather than sit around discussing!
Maybe for the same evolutionary reason, there is a neurological explanation to why men don’t indulge in dissection of feelings. It’s a scientific fact that the area of the brain that connects the left (rational) and the right (intuitive) hemispheres is larger in women than in men. As a result women can think and feel at the same time, while men need to separate the two activities.
A group of Stanford scientists put this to the test by examining through MRI the brain activity of 12 men and 12 women when they were shown some brutal pictures. Nine different areas of the women’s brains showed higher activity, while in the case of men, just two areas were affected! You may imagine this is because men are less sensitive; but that’s not true. Men are just as sensitive as women and feel just as deeply, but they are programmed to react differently to the same feelings.
In fact, another research shows that boys had higher levels of stress hormone in their bloodstreams than girls did upon hearing a recording of a baby crying. However a man’s threshold for feeling deep emotion is lower than a woman’s and emotional arousal may end up giving him health problems. Men are more vulnerable than women to health risks at every stage of their lives.
If action counts more with men, when a man takes over paying the bills and dealing with the work around the house, what better way to show he cares about your convenience and safety? When he tells you not to slog it in the kitchen, it shows he cares about you even though he may not actually say it. He may not repeat declarations of love, but if he drives you back and forth from work every day without complaining, need he say more?
I wonder how many women really appreciate men who are “in touch with their feelings.” Speaking for myself, I would rather not have my guy dissolve in helpless tears; I need him to be strong and action-oriented. Let me hasten to assure all diehard feminists, this is not to say that I am the wilting, helpless types myself!
However, I do propagate understanding and appreciating the basic physical and physiological differences between the genders, and attempting to balance them to form a complete circle of power. That would benefit us all far more than harping, a la Professor Higgins, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” Or even, why can’t a man be more like a woman!!
Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-71812129081797229242012-08-26T05:20:00.000-07:002012-08-26T05:35:31.521-07:00What if you walked in beauty?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<p><strong style="font-weight: normal;">Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /><br /></strong></p><p><strong style="font-weight: normal;"><em>Do beautiful environs ensure a beautiful life? It is orderliness rather than scenery that lends beauty to life!</em></strong><br /><br />I sometimes wonder what it must feel like to live surrounded by natural beauty…to wake up every morning to Nature’s myriad moods, each more beguiling, more awe-inspiring than the other!
What if I woke to the murmur of an ocean and the sight of miles upon miles of aquamarine blue?
What if my home was surrounded by folds of undulating emerald meadows, just kissed awake by the rising sun, nightly dewiness still clinging to their cheeks?
What if majestic mountain chains surrounded my home, or silent snowflakes fell outside my window?
Would I be a different person if I lived surrounded by beauty? If, instead of the chaos and ugly urban structures my eyes rest upon all the time, they were rested by the sight of emerald greens, aquamarine blues, stormy red or heavenly blue skies? If instead of miles upon miles of traffic and angry horns, I saw verdant greens and heard the silence of Nature? Just thinking about it gives me a sense of peace like nothing else!
Are people who live in beautiful surroundings actually happier than rest of the world? The world’s happiest countries, according to the 2011 Legatum Prosperity Index, also happen to be some of the world’s most beautiful ones – the Happy 10 being Norway, Denmark, Australia, New Zealand, Sweden, Canada, Finland, Switzerland, Netherlands and the US. Is that merely a coincidence? The measures used to arrive at the happiness index of course did not include the beauty of natural environs, depending rather on indicators such as health, wealth and education. But, is there some manner in which natural beauty contributes to the happiness and success of a nation and its people?
Or, do people always surrounded by beauty become immune to it after a while? Difficult to imagine, but maybe beauty and silence grate on their nerves as much as the cacophony of hectic cities irritates ours! After all, you could get used to just anything!
Says a friend, Manasi who has lived in both beautiful and ugly surroundings during the course of her work, “Beauty of surroundings certainly helps one feel happy, gives confidence and improves self-esteem. But it is order in surroundings that adds to the beauty and happiness. Like law and order for instance? A feeling of safety and well-being. Can a beautiful person also be the happiest? Similarly, can a beautiful town need not be the most livable in every sense of the word!”
She is indeed right. Basic amenities, an ordered existence and comforts are important to one’s well-being. You cannot live an entire life just looking at beauty and reflecting! If you are fearful for your safety and that of your dear ones, beauty cannot touch you. If you are struggling to eke out a daily living, your beautiful environs cannot impact you positively.
Another friend Jyotirmaya, who now lives in beautiful Sweden, says, “Beautiful countries that are also the happiest have actually harnessed their beauty and maintained it well through human effort! In Sweden people are happy because they have taken care of two things that most bother humans. One is money; the other is burden of society, religion and convention. This is a supremely liberal, though rule-based society. So people are very happy and cheerful always. And no, they are not immune to the beauty that surrounds them. If you grow immune to beauty, it means you have stopped growing emotionally. Just yesterday a colleague was talking about the sensuality of feeling fresh snow under one's feet…”
So, while Nature soothes and relaxes, the lesson to be learnt is the orderliness, the pace, the dependability of Nature. It’s not lack of natural surroundings that irritates those bound to urban areas, it’s a lack of orderliness and beauty in our daily lives that has been proven scientifically to restrict our ability to focus, making us irritable, distracted and less productive. You don’t have to necessarily be born in the lap of Nature in order to be happy. Nature can be invoked and cajoled to strike roots wherever, and her lessons implemented anywhere. If it is orderliness, neatness, rule of law and liberation that we miss, why not create it for ourselves in the very place we live? And be naturally happy!
Next time I watch Richard Gere pause to look at an aquamarine ocean in a movie, and move on unaffected, I will try not to angrily think he doesn’t deserve to live amongst beautiful surroundings. For, that is where this column started…
Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-17734405177370086502012-08-26T05:16:00.001-07:002012-08-26T05:37:42.579-07:00Love is indeed blind!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<p><strong style="font-weight: normal;">Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /><br /></strong></p><p><strong style="font-weight: normal;"><em>Romantic love can happen only when you close your eyes to everything, including sometimes, the object of your affection!</em></strong><br /><br />Rose-tinted images of happily-ever-after in fairytales and romantic fiction spoil us for the real thing. Pre-conceived notions and expectations ensure disappointment even with the best. So sharply focused are we on expectations that we sometimes fail to objectively evaluate or appreciate reality. So, if you have been brought up on the raging passions and sky-rocketing Big Os of Mills & Boons, or on stories of a Prince Charming who carries girls away on white steeds, your real life romance has fizzled out even before it got a chance to sizzle!
However don’t lose heart. This is not to say that love cannot happen. It can and does, but only to those of us who believe in it and make the effort to build it for ourselves. Note, not find love, but to build or create it for yourself! Most make the mistake of looking for that ‘one’ man, or that ‘one’ woman, who is perfect for them. There is no such concept of the one perfect soulmate – there could be any number and so long as they fulfill your basic criteria, all is good. The critical part is recognizing one of those who cross your path and then to fall, or rise, in love. Research has shown that it takes between 90 seconds to 4 minutes to decide if you are attracted to a person. 55 per cent of your decision is influenced by body language, 38 percent through tone and style of speaking, and just 7 per cent is dependent on what is said. Rest is all a matter of intent and application.
The one thing to remember is that most of the time you need to close your eyes to build your world of romance. Romance is certainly not going to happen with eyes wide open! Romantic love can happen only when you close your eyes to everything, including sometimes, the object of your affection! For, love and romance is more about convincing yourself than anything else! You can fall in love with someone and choose to remain in love for as long as you like. And so long as the object of your affection doesn’t do something unpalatable to break the illusion, nothing would go wrong till you decide to get bored or move on!
Start off with the belief that there can be no one person who is perfect in all respects. We all have our good and bad sides, and one person’s evaluation of you could differ dramatically from another’s, depending on body chemistry and shared experiences. We all know people who are fond of us and others who do not like us. If we choose to focus on the bad side of someone, we are bound to build up negative feelings against the person; however if we choose to ignore the negative for the positive, we will appreciate the same person. The power of imagination is helpful for lovers. Use your imagination to believe you are totally in love with your beloved or spouse. Whip up the passion, feel it, let the rose-tinted glasses fall in place and then turn the love-laden gaze towards your partner. Even if it doesn’t always kick start your hearts into overdrive, it will definitely keep the love going strong!
A friend who is a mother of two has this habit of looking adoringly at her husband, giving indulgent smiles and stroking his cheek often. Believe it or not, the man is in a state of constant adoration for his wife! I refuse to believe that in their decade of marriage, they haven’t had problems, or haven’t seen the worst of each other. But they have chosen to focus on what they love and expressing it openly, rather than trying to improve what they don’t like! And it works fabulously for them! Most marriages that last are those where couples have chosen to reaffirm their love by giving positive strokes to each other and have built up spaces and activities where they can share togetherness.
Leading researcher on love psychology, Ellen Berscheid, talks of how new lovers magnify each others’ virtues and explain away flaws. It doesn’t need rocket science to explain that continuing to do so would ensure lasting love; indeed, love needs to be blind!
And to prove that falling in love is quite easy, New York psychologist Professor Arthur Arun asked subjects to find a complete stranger, share intimate details for half an hour and then stare deeply into each other’s eyes for four minutes. This resulted in most of his subjects feeling a deep attraction for each other. Reportedly two of the couples even got married later!
Next Week – How To Fall in Love
Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-68044813839604473622012-08-26T04:49:00.001-07:002012-08-26T05:38:40.500-07:00What will really matter as we near the end of life?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<p><strong style="font-weight: normal;">Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /><br /></strong></p><p><strong style="font-weight: normal;"><em>At the end of our lives, we all ask, ‘Did I live? Did I love? Did I matter?’” – Brendon Burchard</em></strong><br /><br />The untimely death of a colleague, someone with whom you interacted, exchanged pleasantries and indulged in some healthy competition, is bound to leave you regretful and reflective on the uncertainty of life. And when the one who passes on had known the end was near, you wonder what went through the person’s mind in the days and weeks before the end.
Those who have reported near-death experiences, have talked of experiencing a vivid rendering of their entire lives played out like a movie, the light they see at the end of the tunnel and of love and acceptance. While doctors have dismissed these as delusions, what science has failed to dismiss is identical surges seen in brain activity of terminally-ill patients moments before death, which seems to provide evidence of the near-death experiences.
However, even if we were to allow the scientists their skepticism, it does seem plausible that when life nears end, we would most likely take stock of the way we lived and the impact we made, if any. Did we make the most of the gift of life that was given to us? Did we achieve whatever we came here to achieve? Do we have any major regrets? Are we leaving behind unfinished tasks? And yes -- did we make a difference?
Think of the panicky feel as a holiday nears end. Did we make the most of the days? You try to pack in as much as you can in the last few hours and promise yourself better organization next time! Only now, as life is ending, there is no next chance – at least none that you can be assured of.
One of the most meaningful thoughts on this issue I have come across is that of leading world motivational trainer, Brendon Burchard’s, “At the end of our lives, we all ask, ‘Did I live? Did I love? Did I matter?’” In his book, The Millionnaire Messenger, Burchard goes on to say, “At the end of your life you will want to know if you really lived your life fully – your life, too, not the hopes and dreams of your parents or teachers or peers or spouse…. ”
Christopher Hitchens, English-American journalist who died of cancer in December 2011, wrote in Vanity Fair, “It does concentrate the mind, of course, to realise that your life is more rationed than you thought it was…one thing that grave illness does is to make you examine familiar principles and seemingly reliable sayings….”
Let us reflect on the things that one would want to be assured of before hitting the bucket. Surely you would like to know that you drank deep of life’s nectar and lived a full life with all your senses alive to the beauty and possibilities offered! That you dreamt big, fought for your dreams and achieved the potential you were endowed with. This would answer the first question Burchard poses – Did you live?
Love, they say is what makes the world go round. We enter life to learn all about love; love is not just a balm for the soul but also helps us onwards in our spiritual journey. So what lessons in loving did you learn? Did you love deeply enough, and were you loved back intensely in return? Did you, at least once in your life, experience an intense love, that blocks out all reason? Consider this -- nobody who is dying has ever regretted giving lesser time to work, though many have regretted giving lesser time to love and family! Were you able to give love and loved ones your all – be it a parent, sibling, spouse, lover or child? So, Did you love?
And lastly, nobody wants to feel insignificant. We all have our own place and importance in the Universe. So never doubt that your existence serves a certain purpose and you are important in your own way. Did you take your role seriously enough and try and make a dent to life, as Steve Jobs put it? Did you take risks and follow your heart when it dictated things that reason raised eyebrows at? Did you touch lives and make a difference? In effect – Did you matter?
As Ian Fleming put it, “You only live twice. Once when you are born and once when you look death in the face.” We do not know whether we prepared for our birth. But surely we can start preparing ourselves with answers for life’s posers as death stares us in the face?
Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-84724836687345933762012-01-28T12:37:00.000-08:002012-01-28T12:45:23.084-08:00Allow us to believe! Please? Missing a Sense of Mystique!<p><strong style="font-weight: normal;">Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /><br /></strong></p><p><strong style="font-weight: normal;"><em>In an era that prides itself on ripping away dreamy veils to reveal ugly truths, a sense of mystique is a rare, undervalued commodity!</em></strong><br /><br />If most people were left gawking after actor Sonam Kapoor’s verbal ‘full monty’ recently at an event in the capital, it was certainly not in admiration! Some snickered, others turned up their noses, while yet more frowned in disapproval. Tsk, tsk, tutted the capital’s swish set, how can a well-brought up lady talk of unmentionables like saggy bums, cellulite and facial hair!<br /><br />More to the point, how can an actor, who is by the nature of her profession a dream merchant, unpeel the glossy layers to reveal an ugly truth?! Let’s be honest, this is not about honest revelations; it is more about shattering illusions! Tough to forgive someone who does that! One can never look at Sonam again without thinking of all that is hidden from view!<br /><br />As it is, social media sites haven’t left much to the imagination. This is an era that has ripped away the aura of mystique, where very few see the advantage of maintaining an enigmatic image. You do not need to wonder anymore what celebrities are doing, with their obsessive compulsion to tweet minute-to-minute ideas and thoughts; gosh, even details of their illnesses and fears!<br /><br />Compare this to the mysterious aura that surrounds stars of yesteryears, or even Rekha for that matter. A mistress of mystique, never has she stepped out to confirm or deny a rumour. She has been accused of many things but the lady has never reacted. In fact she has smartly teased rumour mongers further by well-executed, pre-meditated acts. Remember the time she stepped out in public with sindoor in her hair, giving rise to rumours that she had secretly married Big B? Or, another time when at an Awards Nite she hugged each member of the Bachchan family till she reached the man himself, who in panic staged a walk-out? <br /><br />Former Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was a truly enigmatic woman who despite living out a life in full public glare, was able to maintain her mystique. So is Sonia Gandhi; she leaves people with a sense of wonder and curiosity even in an era of totally intrusive and aggressive media coverage. To their credit, a few actors who keep a distant from tweets and tell-all interviews and so retain some enigma, are Aishwarya Rai, Ranbir Kapoor, Kareena Kapoor, Saif Ali Khan and Katrina Kaif!<br /><br />Those who know the art of dwelling long in public imagination and hearts, learn the art of keeping the veil in place; it is those who are desperate for any kind of attention, even if short-lived, that insist on tearing all veils down and executing regrettable full montys!<br /><br />The incessant blows to imagination by hard-hitting reality make it impossible to indulge the ‘willing suspension of disbelief’ (S.T Coleridge’s term for suspending judgement on unreal elements in literature), which is so intrinsic to the true enjoyment of art -- be it fiction, films, theatre or painting and sculpture. It’s almost as if everybody has a compulsion to keep lifting the veil of imagination to let reality make its way through. <br /><br />For instance, how can you possibly enjoy a television serial when there is a raging controversy on Facebook regarding “double frames vs single frames” and body doubles? When you are made to realize that the romantic lead has actually not shot a single scene together for weeks on end and what you are witnessing is actually a slick job by editors? When while watching a programme, facebook starts vibrating with protests about how the creative team has messed up and the real actor and the body double used for the same scene from different angles, are dressed differently?<br /><br />You do not want to notice these things! I, for one, find it extremely irritating when people watching a movie keep critically pointing out the liberties the filmmaker has taken with reality. For heaven’s sake, he is supposed to do that in order to build a reality away from your actual world -- a space where you can escape for some blissful moments! A space where you give in to a willing suspension of disbelief and allow yourself to believe all that the dream merchant wants you to believe.<br /><br />Of course if you allow yourself to do so... And yes, with your permission, all you actors out there busy washing your dirty linen through tweets!<br /><br />And yes, of course Ms Sonam Kapoor, once you are done telling us all about your bodily hair, insisting we count your moles and warts along with you and critically examine your “rolls of fat” while you confess that your “t*t and a*s are not very nice”!!!<br /><br />After all that… please, please allow us to weave back together our web of shattered dreams once again…. Allow us to suspend disbelief!Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-46632524066149787982012-01-21T22:05:00.000-08:002012-01-28T12:42:46.036-08:00Let's all 'feel' together! Emotions are a great comfort!<p><strong style="font-weight: normal;">Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /><br /></strong></p><p><strong style="font-weight: normal;"><em>Emotions– good or bad – can be a great comforting factor, especially when shared with others</em></strong><br /><br />There is a comfort in emotions that is difficult to deny. And the succour that a camaraderie of emotions provides is indisputable. If you are happy, your pleasure is intensified when someone shares that happiness with you. If you are unhappy, being able to share the unhappiness and pain with others helps comfort you. If you are angry, venting anger as part of a group that shares your emotion, helps provide cathartic relief. That is what perhaps accounts for flash mobs, anti-corruption protests, et al.<br /><br />We are better off when experiencing an emotion– good or bad -- rather than at times when we are indifferent and so, bored with everything. And, the most pleasurable of all emotions is romantic love. Extra-marital relationships are also the result, more often than not, of finding the comfort of emotional attachment beyond home and the acceptable.<br /><br />Time was when we dealt with our conflicting, tumultuous emotional states all by ourselves, or at most by confessing to a parent, a dear friend or sibling. But today, a generation that has been brought up to believe strongly in individualism and to value themselves, their goals, their own feelings and their idea of right and wrong, sees nothing wrong in hanging its innermost emotions out to dry in public spaces. And social networking sites ensure there is no lack of such spaces!<br /><br />Years ago, as a child, when disturbed at my emotional response to a handsome star of the time, I confessed my mixed feelings to my mother, she told me censoriously, “You must learn to control such emotions.” For quite some time I believed I was some kind of an emotional freak and prayed to be infused by purer thoughts and feelings. Today all you do is sign into any social networking site or forum and find hundreds of others echoing the same feelings. You not only realize you are no freak, but your feelings are actually reinforced!<br /><br />When I stumbled across the facebook page of Mohnish Bahl who is currently playing the lead for a popular television serial “Kuch to log kahenge…”, I was amazed at the outpouring of young emotions there. Followers of the actor openly talk of their love for him and confess how they cannot wait to watch him again, how they worry about him, pray for him and even advise him on the serial! And Mohnish is no youngster -- he is a married man with a 20-year-old daughter! <br /><br />What amazes me is the passion these people bring to play upon a serial that is so obviously fictitious! They react to characters as if to real people and all thoroughly enjoy the interaction. Housewives, professionals, students – all bond emotionally on the same page, finding it addictive -- as is proved by their multiple daily visits to the page!<br /><br />There’s indeed comfort in being part of a group that wallows in emotions!<br /><br />When I mentioned this obsessive group emotion to my friend Dr Deepak Raheja, Consultant Psychiatrist and Director, Hope Foundation, he said, “It is symbolic of regression. People tend to regress when they are very emotional. They let the conscious mind get synchronized with the heart to feel emotion that brings a surge of feel-good chemicals. In past this state was reserved for a very special person you loved or perhaps an idol. Today people have become frivolous in relationships --the resilience, coping strategies and mechanisms that are required to balance emotions have come down. People are more demanding and want to change the loved one. When that doesn’t happen, there is sourness and relationships break. “<br /><br />Devoid of gratification and contentment of relationships because you find such few idols and idealistic relationships in real life, an emotionally immature generation transfers its moodiness and starved emotions onto idols and stars. People get carried away on a wave of emotion and when they find themselves part of a like-minded group, they find that high emotions help them bond better with others. This gives them a great sense of comfort. They start romancing the idealistic scenarios found on the screen, believing they can live that life too, even if vicariously.<br /><br />It can be a scary scenario because emotions run fast and furious here and the landscape changes in the blinking of an eye; the dwellers of this land hate as quickly and as intensely as they love, and they transfer reel emotions into real life as effectively as real emotions get entangled with reel ones. Rather than considered and few, relationships tend to be indiscriminate and many, rather than caring and nurturing, they are demanding and destructive… both in reel and real!Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-79689262808623589732011-07-03T10:45:00.000-07:002011-07-03T10:53:17.351-07:00WHAT'S THE ONE WORD THAT DESCRIBES YOU?<span class="description"><div id="communityDiv"><div> </div> <div class="clear">Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /></div></div></span><span class="fb_share_count_nub_top"></span> <span style="background-color: rgb(232, 235, 242);" class="fb_share_count fb_share_count_top"><span id="shareCount" class="fb_share_count_inner"><br /></span></span><strong style="font-style: italic;">T<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">here's a word for each of us, one word that embodies who we are and what we are all about. But how many of us know what that good word is?</span></strong><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" class="description"><div id="communityDiv"><div style="padding-left: 20px;"><span class="fb_share_count_wrapper"></span></div><div> </div> </div> <p><br />At a recent conference in Beijing, a young Buddhist girl disciple asked a close friend why Indians ate garlic. It was her contention that eating garlic makes one angry and hence must be avoided. Here is a transcript of their further conversation.<br /><br /><em><strong>My Friend</strong></em>-- <em>'I thought Buddha taught us not to be dependent on external factors such as images, etc. Why should something like garlic be allowed to control your emotions? The question is, does garlic control you or do you control garlic? </em></p> <p><em><strong>Buddhist Girl </strong>-- Don’t you get angry after consuming garlic?'</em><br /><br /><em><strong>My Friend </strong></em>-- <em>'No, I never get angry because of garlic. I have learnt to control my anger. I seek to control other aspects that I am not too proud of, but anger is something I have moved on from.'</em><br /><br />The Buddhist girl seemed impressed and remarked that my friend must be on the verge of achieving nirvana!<br /><br />Nirvana or not, understanding oneself and through that understanding, control over oneself and circumstances does make for contentment and peace of mind. What is it that fires you and is more or less the anthem of your life? Each of us has an anthem for life, something that is fundamental to our existence, the song our heart sings, the picture our soul paints. That elusive something that runs as the fundamental thread through our entire lives and nudges and beckons us ahead.<br /><br />Recently, I watched <em>Eat Pray Love </em>(EPL) at the insistence of a friend. I had started reading the book about a year ago but it didn't hold me, so discarded it despite it being a hot topic of discussion. The movie seduces me to pick it up again.<br /><br />In the movie, while dining out in Italy, author and main character Elizabeth Gilbert (Julia Roberts) and a group of friends get down to discussing what is the one word that could describe each one of them best. From here onwards starts Elizabeth’s quest for understanding herself well enough to be able to encapsulate her entity in just one word. This exercise may seem easy at first, but it isn't. Try it! When I asked some friends what was the one word that described them best, almost all immediately came up with a single word.</p> <p>Before I could say I was impressed, they came up with another, then another and yet another, and so on. And that’s where the problem lies. It is easy for each of us to use many words to talk about ourselves but seems next to impossible to use one word to describe all that we stand for -- our dreams, aspirations, desires, ambition, loves, likes and dislikes, or the quest of our very souls all the things that describe and define us. How do you capture all of that in just one word? It would be too limiting.<br /><br />And yet, think about it. If you really think long and deep you will realise that if forced to do so, you can identify the one principle that runs through your life, the one thing you stand steadfast by, the one rule you refuse to budge on, the one recurring dream that refuses to go away, the one thought that creeps in unawares -- at your highest as well as lowest moments. And in that action, thought, or dream you will discover the life principle that fires you most. That is the word for you!<br /><br />In<em> EPL</em>, while still in Italy, Elizabeth is fascinated by a word <em>attraversiamo</em>, which she is told means 'Lets cross over.' However, it takes her an entire year and a journey through three countries to decide that this is the word she wishes to define her life by. The word denotes coming to terms with something, holding the hand of a loved one and helping each other cross over, coming to a decision about life and about yourself and deciding what or who your heart really beats for. Quite often most of us are dithering on the edge of a discovery or decision, hesitating to take the step that takes us over to the other side, waiting for a sign, a prophecy. And then comes the epiphany, and we cross over. A beautiful word. Attraversiamo.<br /><br />Similarly, each of us can have a word that we live life by. The quest for that word is a quest for the very meaning of life and our own existence in particular. After much thought for a day or so, a friend came up with 'Balance' as the word that defines her life. As she puts it, "Every thought and action of mine is balanced. But my life itself has no balance, so that's what I need to seek now! In <em>Eat Pray Love,</em> the mendicant in Bali tells Elizabeth, "Sometimes you need to lose your balance in love to find balance in life."<br /><br />Another friend used the word 'Energetic' to describe herself, but then added 'inexhaustible', 'dizzy', 'unbeatable', 'madcap'! before she got all confused. Yet another immediately answered 'Passionate.' She then stopped a minute and said, "Or is it 'emotional'?" After that she got very thoughtful and kind of lost.</p> <p>I do believe with this one question, I have set off many friends on their quest for the word that defines them and their lives! Such a journey is only likely to empower one and help you get into the driver's seat where your life is concerned. So then, what is the one word that describes you and defines your life? Do let me know your word here ...</p></span>Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-47609503429621495682011-02-26T22:44:00.000-08:002012-01-22T01:39:50.973-08:00WILL HE RETURN THE LOVE HE RECEIVES TODAY?<p><strong style="font-weight: normal;">Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /></strong></p><p><strong style="font-weight: normal;">As the stranger sat looking adoringly at his baby in a pram, he was unaware of the many thoughts that ran through the watching columnist's head. Would this child one day return in equal measure the adoration he received from his father today?</strong><br /><br />We sat in a restaurant in Delhi's bustling Connaught Place, people-gazing as we waited for lunch to be served. CP always has an eclectic mix of visitors, each more interesting a study than the last. Very unlike malls that are teeming with similar looking boys and girls dressed like exact clones of each other, price tags almost visible in the premium brand haze they create around themselves.<br /><br />It was nudging on 4 pm, quite late as lunch time goes, but that didn't stop groups from straggling in and ordering booze. Each table had more bottles of beer than number of people at it. Surprising, for this was no seedy joint. We understood why when we realised the restaurant announced Happy Hours to entice clientele during hours in between meals. Not that we minded, interested as we were in observing those around us and trying to guess at their relationships and stories. We got more grist for the mill this way!<br /><br />As we finished our meal, in walked a tall bearded guy with straw coloured hair tied in a ponytail, pushing a pram. He adjusted the pram in a manner that it faced him as he sat and ordered his beer. His gaze seldom shifted from the baby sleeping peacefully in it. Once in a while he would reach out and pat the baby adoringly, unnecessarily adjusting the blanket wrapped around it. It was an adorable sight, one that only decency forced us to turn our eyes away from.<br /><br />It was then that my usually reticent husband made a cryptic remark. "He is looking at his son in the pram with such adoration. Thirty years hence the roles will be reversed. He will be in a wheelchair as his son sits opposite guzzling beer. Will the son then look at his father with as much fondness?" The answer was such an obvious "No" that it cast a cloud on the pretty picture before us.<br />You seldom see youngsters taking along an old father for a meal or a holiday with as much enthusiasm and pleasure as the father would have taken them when they were small. Many do it out of a sense of duty, but few with the pleasure you would have when you take out a friend. May be this has to do with the fact that parents, as they grow up, often find it difficult to make the transition from parent to friend. As a result, most conversations take on the form of lectures rather than discussions. But whatever the reason, it still is rather sad that a son would not look at his father in a wheelchair as fondly as the father did when the son was on his set of tiny four wheels! <br /><br />My mind swung back to another restaurant at another time. We were in a cozy country inn in a village on the outskirts of London with some friends. A fire crackled merrily, reflecting on the smoothwith-age polished wood all around. At another table, sat a man with an older version of himself. Both ordered the same dish and ate with equal gusto and relish. Amusingly, some of their gestures mirrored each other too. Conversation was at a bare minimum, but the bonhomie and comfort with each other was palpable. Obviously a son, who had taken time off from family to take his father out for a meal. Maybe it was even a regular once-a-month ritual, we conjectured. A sight that gladdened the heart.<br /><br />From here, my mind shifted, as minds often do, to a beauty parlour in Delhi. As I gave in to some beauty indulgences there, a lady just beyond let out intermittent giggles, apart from which she kept shouting instructions above the din of a hairdryer being used on another lady. The giggles were because she was ticklish, and each ministration on her foot caused laughter, much to the consternation of the impassive guy applying himself to her pedicure! The instructions were for the harassed hairdresser who was colouring the hair of an older woman. With each snip of the scissor the ticklish lady would shout an instruction on how the ultimate look should be. For the lady under the scissors was the Ticklish One's mother. <br /><br />When Ma emerged, coiffed and sprayed, the Ticklish One decided it was time to get Ma's nails done. Twisting and turning, causing further trouble for the Impassive One, she kept focused on the ministrations on her mother rather than herself. "Please be careful with her nails, they are brittle," she shouted, followed by a giggle as Impassive One punished her with a tickly foot rub.<br /><br />"That's her mother," whispered my hairdresser, shaking her head. "Seldom have I seen any daughter-in-law bringing her ma-in-law to the parlour. Only daughters take such good care of their mothers!" Not being able to resist it, I shouted out to the Ticklish One, "Tell me one thing, is the pedicure thrilling or torturing you?" She peered at me through her glasses and said, "Well frankly, at the moment it is a bit of a torture! I am too ticklish for this...." Smiling, I replied, "Ah, so even laughter can cause pain..."<br /><br />Despite the chaos Ticklish One caused at the parlour, I walked away with a warm feeling because of the care she took of her mother. Years ago her mother must have given similar instructions to another hairdresser as she cut a tiny Ticklish One's hair!<br /><br />And so maybe the infant in the pram will one day look fondly at the dad who is doting on him now. Maybe he will take him out for a meal, a beer or a haircut. Maybe he will read out to him or take him to a movie or for an evening walk. Or maybe, he will burst crackers for him one day as the father watches at Diwali, recalling how, years ago, his Dad had held his hands to light the first crackers in his life, admonishing him to be careful.<br /><br />There are so many ways to show he cares, so many ways he can adore and show respect to the man who sits watching him in total adoration right now in a restaurant in Connaught Place.</p>Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-61087505522209938012011-02-26T22:42:00.000-08:002011-02-26T22:43:49.648-08:00EVERYONE WANTS TO BE A STAR!<p><strong>Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /></strong></p> <p><strong>As celebrities are made and unmade each day with impunity, the pressure increases on the rest of us to be stars in our own right!</strong><br />One of the pressing social needs of our times is the need to be a star! Nobody is happy being just an ordinary human being. In fact, an interesting fallout of self-help books and gurus has been that all are convinced we are extraordinary beings living an ordinary human life.<br />No longer can you be just a journalist, bureaucrat, teacher, manager, filmmaker, designer or model. You have to be the best! And since all cant be the best, you fan out in other spheres, still in search of that elusive star status.<br />An explosion of media and peep-hole journalism has ensured celebrities are no more starry specks on the firmament, but an everyday reality within our living rooms. Gossip columns, television footage and now mobile updates give us minute by excruciating minute updates of every move a celebrity makes. You may not be aware that your neighbours have been blessed with a grandchild, but you will have every detail of the labour pains Sanjay Dutts wife Manya underwent and in what order her twins decided to enter the world!<br />With an overload of celebrity information, where we get to examine not just the starry moments of our icons, but also their feet of clay, is it surprising that each one of us is encouraged to nudge awake the star within us Till the time celebrities were shrouded by mystique, those beyond the charmed circle could only sigh and admire. But once market demands forced celebs to step out and mingle, public aspirations for celebrityhood skyrocketed.<br />And media has gallantly risen to meet the public demand. Numerous reality shows on television give all an equal chance to win their spot in the sun. Fancy yourself a singer Try your luck with the many shows that promote singing talent. Proud of your intelligence and general awareness Get to sit with Amitabh Bachchan on Kaun Banega Crorepati!<br />An out-of-work, struggling star who wants to shoot to prominence Get yourself locked up in a house with similar wannabes for Big Boss. No talent and yet want some fame Why, its easy! Just wash your dirty linen in public on Emotional Attyachar. Who cares if you lose a girlfriend or boyfriend in the process! At least you are seen on television, even if at your most ridiculous ! Then you too can strut around like a star and have people do a double take when they see you in public. Facebook, Twitter and other social media too allows an easy path to celebrityhood.<br />Get onto Facebook and count more virtual friends than you can ever hope to have in your real life. Join Twitter and almost instantly gain some followers just like any celebrity or spiritual guru! Suddenly, the most ordinary person can find himself engaged in a dialogue with Amitabh Bachchan or Shah Rukh Khan! You could be consoling Sonam Kapoor or Deepika Padukone on the failure of their last movies or congratulating Hrithik and Aishwarya on their brilliant performance in Guzarish! The stardust that rubs off with such interactions is exciting and leaves you craving for more.<br />It sure is easy today to get your spot in the sun, but not all can handle it well. How many of us can stay grounded after we receive some adulation or public attention Even the toughest slip up. Look at what happened to Barkha Dutt. On TV, she was this feisty anchor who won her laurels reporting from Kargil. On Twitter, she showed the chinks in her armour by indulging in inane and flirtatious interactions for all to see with stars such as Amitabh Bachchan and Shah Rukh Khan. Her tweets revealed a person drunk on power who was further exposed by the Radia tapes, spelling the end of an extraordinary love affair with the public, so far as journalists go. And there is nothing crueler than a public cold shoulder after you have been encased in their hearts.<br />It is perhaps this need everybody has to be a star that results in the glee with which we strip our icons the moment they falter. People on the lookout for opportunities to grasp their own celebrity moments, jump with extraordinary and cruel enthusiasm to pull down celebrities from pedestals they seated them on. Brickbats fly with much more enthusiasm than bouquets did. Drawing room conversations gleefully take apart the fallen celeb bit by bit. People relish the idea of the pain the fallen celebrity experiences, for it gives them one good reason finally to celebrate their own unsung lives.<br />Perhaps there is a strange comfort in unseating icons. For when an idol is discovered to have feet of clay, the pressure on the rest of us lessens to a great degree.<br />Just a thought I leave you withIsnt it far better to live an ordinary life well, minus the pressures and insecurity of celebrityhood Amongst all the clamour for stardust, doesnt a peaceful, content-with-your-lot existence seem an exciting proposition Is it even a possibility any more?</p>Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-28380740780740155632011-02-26T22:38:00.000-08:002011-02-26T22:41:20.673-08:00A WORLD APART<p><em><strong>Vinita Dawra Nangia<br />Even though living together, families can still be far apart, influenced as they are by disparate elements! How does one ensure bonding.</strong></em></p>In a forum organized by Young FICCI Ladies Organisation in Hyderabad on Media - Past, Present and Future, a lady complained that though her children seemed to be aware of all news even before she was, they never read the newpapers! She didn't know whether to be happy about the first, or rue the second. Neither did those of us on the panel. Actually so different are the ways of this generation that rather than evolution, it seems more like a quantum jump, aided more than anything else, by technology!<br />Living together in the same house,each of us is further apart than would have been imaginable some years ago.We dwell in our own worlds,are exposed to totally different influences and have touch points in our daily life that are nothing to do with each other.The books you read; movies you would like to watch;performances and musicals worth attending, and Malls to be checked out - these are no longer family discussions, but recommendations friends make.<br />With a whole new set of authors and books coming up for the young,even the books your children read are not the same as you read.Their world is so far removed from what came earlier that they are unable to relate with books you may suggest! The movies they enjoy are different from the ones you like.You may be as wedded to your computer as they are addicted to theirs, but the sites you surf and people you interact with are a world apart from theirs.And not just children, even adults tend to grow further apart as they give in to disparate interests and influences.He goes for business lunches and golf,while she groups up with female friends for girly lunches and interesting outings.<br />The invasion of smart phones has ensured you are available to office round the clock.So you could be in the middle of dinner when the boss pings you to check on some minor fact. Or you could be putting the children to bed when that critical mail from overseas wings its way with an intrusive beep into your Blackberry!<br />As such,it has become perfectly normal to be in the same room with each other and yet be wired to completely different gadgets that connect each of you to spaces far removed from the room you are actually sitting in.<br />In such a scenario how does one ensure a feeling of family togetherness or inculcate the right values in children Obviously one would have to lay down some ground rules and insist everyone follows them.Strange that something which was absorbed as part of daily living together now needs a time,a space and a discipline to be taken in. Children learnt earlier by observing you; today they are so absorbed in their own selves, they may miss out on essential things unless forced to pay attention. Much has been said about families that eat together.And indeed at least one meal together every day is the best way to ensure some togetherness.This time together can also be used for some healthy discussions and bringing everyone up to date on family news. Another idea could be to introduce one topic of general interest at the table and discuss it threadbare.This could be a news item or some other essential general information.<br />Many families swear by holidays together as great bonding factors.Away from daily distractions,if you choose the destinations carefully, you could indeed use the time away to build strong, lasting memories. And nothing like memories to build bonds and give love a shot in the arm!<br />I find festivals can be another great bonding exercise for families. Like the much reviled television serials show, a festival when celebrated with traditional fervor and full faith, can teach children a lot about their culture and identity. Praying together is another great cementing factor and time should be kept aside for it.<br />And if children cannot read the books you suggest, try reading what they are absorbing to understand and bond with your child better! So long as we are all basically secure about each other and care deeply for family bonds and traditions, no matter how far we may travel from each other, the strong thread that binds us together will always anchor us securely. <p><br /></p>Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-72092617545092865542011-02-26T22:34:00.001-08:002011-02-26T22:37:42.139-08:00THE ART OF GOOD CONVERSATION<span class="description"><p><strong><em>Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /></em></strong></p> <p><strong><em>If there's nothing left to say, then it spells the end of your relationship. For it's essential to have the intention to share and converse.</em></strong></p> </span><br />We have all heard of a companionable silence. And yet how long can silence help nurture a relationship? Too much silence between people can sever ties since there is nothing to build on. Conversations have as important a role to play in the building of mutual ties as silent companionship does.<br />Give each other space, but not so much that the chasm becomes too wide to build a bridge over. Think about this. When two people meet, they trade information about experiences, their lives prior to meeting each other, opinions, et al. After a while of doing this, they discover they are able to talk about the same things as they now have shared experiences. Soon they start repeating themselves, starting conversations with, "Have I told you this before… oh I have? Ok..." And after a while the conversation peters off...<br />There is nothing left to say. Have you ever experienced this? With a spouse? With a lover? Or, with a friend? It can be scary. There you are all eager to talk and connect, and there is nothing to say! Or, at least nothing the other is interested in! Is this the end of the relationship? If there is nothing left to say to each other, how or why would you enjoy each other's company? What would you look forward to?<br />This can only happen when neither of you makes an effort to keep the conversation, and hence the relationship, going. For that it is important to educate yourselves away from each other, to make an effort to grow in different directions and pick up new skills as you go along. For, if you have an enriched life and experiences, there is always something to share with your loved ones. Apart from having enough to ponder over and talk about, it is also important to have the intention to share and converse. A friend, Alka, shared this interesting instance of her husband Rahul's attempt to keep meaningful conversation going in their lives. "Rahul has always had this abiding interest in Hollywood films. Somehow, somewhere along the way I had missed out on most of the English classic films.<br />Whenever he brought up a character from one of these films or quoted instances from these as running parallel to life, the conversation would be kind of one-sided. He didn't really let me know this upset him, till one wedding anniversary, he gifted me a huge box full of the best English classics in films! He told me to watch each of these. As I would watch one, we would discuss it threadbare, from every possible angle. He would give me his take on it and listen to my opinion with deep interest. This gave a new shot in the arm to our relationship and suddenly there was something to look forward to! I consider this one of the best gifts Rahul ever gave me, because with this he gave me a key to himself, to his innermost thoughts and ideas…"<br />So even good conversations require some amount of work to be put in, some preparation, the intention to talk and share. If Rahul hadn't bothered to make the effort of getting the movies, or Alka hadn't bothered to watch them, they wouldn't have found their new togetherness. So when you are about to meet a friend with whom conversation has dwindled, make that extra effort not just to prepare the eatables and drinks, but also the gift of conversation. Think beforehand of some topics of common interest that will keep both of you hooked.<br />A colleague would reply to every question asked and every topic brought up, with "Give me some time to think and we will talk about this." And, he wouldn't forget! Sure enough next day he would get back with preparation and the conversation that followed would be well worth the wait! Some deep thinking and a consideration of various aspects would bring a depth to the conversation that would have been missing otherwise.<br />But what do you do if the other person is just not interested? Jyoti, deeply interested in reading, tried her best to get her husband interested as well so that they could not just share books and visits to the library, but also be able to have interesting literary discussions. But Sanjay was just not interested and any attempts on Jyoti's part to make him read would be met with derision. On the other hand, Sanjay's interest in juicy gossip left Jyoti totally cold. As a result, most attempts at conversation would end in bitterness.<br />As part of conversation, couple of us started discussing what could have been done by either Jyoti or Sanjay under the circumstances. One suggestion was that Sanjay, even if he didn't want to read, could at least have kept the conversation going by asking Jyoti either to read out to him or share the story with him. Another suggestion was that Jyoti should have at least the patience to hear him out when he indulged in gossip! To my mind, their lack of conversation and of any attempt to show an interest certainly showed lack of camaraderie or the will to sustain the relationship.<br />And true, sometimes no amount of conversation, nor attempts at it can save a relationship that one doesn't have the will to save.<span class="description"><br /> </span>Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-56559954546130314102011-02-26T22:27:00.000-08:002011-02-26T22:31:39.041-08:00THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL!<p>Vinita Dawra Nangia</p><p><strong>If we love those who make us feel good, isn't it normal to avoid those who make us think badly of ourselves?</strong></p>I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you." For years this line has spelt the epitome of romance for me. Love is what you become when you are with a loved one.<br /><p>Remember melting into sheer gooey chocolate, being able to hear the blood sing in your veins, having your heart leap into your throat? That lightness of step and body? That thrill? The tingling of your fingernails? All this and more at just the sight of your loved one! When time seems to fly and hours become seconds? When you live for the next meeting, and, when the sound of the loved one's voice feels like drops of rain on parched desert sand!<br />You know you love him or her. And yet, you know you actually love the way your loved one makes you feel. After all, could you ever love a person who dislikes you, makes you feel small, or humiliates you? Why do we always love the people who make us feel we are beautiful and 10 feet tall?<br />And why just romance? An appreciative boss, a genuine friend, a proud parent, a doting spouse or an adoring child has a similar effect. All of them can make you feel on top of the world and ready to slay a few demons as you go on your way with a smile on your face and a skip in your step!<br />All of us love to love ourselves. And appreciation from those we love and admire can have a very therapeutic and rejuvenating effect. And naturally having tasted the heady feeling, we are drawn to people who make us feel in love with ourselves.<br />Is not the reverse just as true? We tend to dislike people who bring out the worst in us and generally avoid them. They bring out a dose of negativity in us that is best avoided. When you know someone thinks badly of you, being in their company lowers you in your own eyes. Also when you know someone is envious of you or dislikes you, being with them can only put you under a lot of stress.<br />Clearly there are people who bring out the best in us and those who bring out the worst. Some people in our lives can make us break into spontaneous laughter, while others can at best inspire jaw-aching artificial smiles. There are those in whose presence we absolutely relax and let our guard down and those who make us feel tense and on edge. We talk to some without thought or fear and measure every word with some others. There are those whose presence relaxes you and others who stress you out just by being with them.<br />There is obviously a certain chemistry at work. Reincarnation experts insist this is a connection from another life. Under hypnosis Brian Weiss and others claim to have regressed people to past lives that explain how experiences with certain souls in earlier lives can explain away certain instant likes and dislikes we form in this life.<br />I cannot comment on past life connects; but what we all can confirm is that there are moments in life when we instantly like or dislike someone without any clear reason. And, most of the time these instant likes and dislikes are mutual. In a scenario where both give each other positive strokes, the relationship grows steadily since a source of mutual admiration has been found. And so when you fall in love, you end up creating an illusory world for yourself where you feel exclusively loved and admired. You seek more and more of the good vibes and the attraction grows. And then when love sneaks away and admiration gives way to a reality check and some criticism, the adrenaline just doesn't pump as hard as earlier. You no longer feel as beautiful, as loved or cared for.<br />It is natural to love and seek people for the good they bring out in you. And so, it is equally natural to dislike and avoid them when they bring out negative emotions such as envy, jealousy, anger, aggression or hatred.<br />We love the people who love us and couldn't care less about those who don't. And there is nothing wrong with that. Why waste time with those who rather than help with your growth, drag you back a few steps? Any two people who really care for each other will always help each other grow.<br />"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out."<br />Somehow I always thought this was Elizabeth Barrett Browning on her equally famous poet-husband, Robert Browning. However, the quote it seems is from Roy Croft, a mysterious American poet, who some say didn't really exist.</p>Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-44615772419477101752011-02-26T22:23:00.000-08:002011-02-26T22:26:32.682-08:00WOULD YOU DO THE SAME?<p><strong><em>Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /></em></strong></p><p><strong><em>Sometimes even those who get left behind in the race, can end up teaching you a lesson or two!</em></strong></p>SITTING in the stands, as we cheered on the athletes participating in the Men’s steeplechase event at Commonwealth Games, we saw the Papua New Guinea representative, Sapolai Yao, fall behind. He maintained a steady pace and didn’t falter despite being several paces behind the pack that thundered away, sailing over hurdles and splashing through water.<br />As the distance between him and the rest grew steadily, never once did he allow the pressure to get to him. He neither increased nor decreased his pace; he just plodded on. There came a point in his seventh lap when the rest crossed him and were now running a complete lap ahead of him. This too didn’t affect him or his pace. He plodded on.<br />The race had finished for the rest when this guy started his last lap. Keeping the same, steady pace, he ran through the hurdles, jumping, running or splashing where required. He had the crowd’s complete attention now. Rest of the athletes cooled off and moved away. He carried on. When he finally reached the Finish line, he got a standing ovation from parts of the crowd. Agreed, most people clapped more in mockery. However, I would like to believe some of us applauded his spirit too.<br />What was he thinking as he ran? How was he feeling? He knew his was a lost cause and he was shooting to prominence in front of an international audience not for his achievement, but for his grand failure. And still, he just went on....<br />I heard my elder son ask his brother, "If you had been in his place, would you have carried on or given up?" The younger one replied, "Of course carried on! There is no option. You have to carry on for your country. What about you?" The elder brother replied thoughtfully, "Yes, I would have carried on too. But poor guy, how must he feel!"<br />Any Games throw up plenty examples of courage and fortitude; lots of records set, broken and crossed. For me, this "loser" as most would call him, gave me many moments of introspection. Would I have carried on or given up in his place? I have no answer. In the face of such immense pressure, with a stadium full of people and beyond them, an entire world, watching me! The guy must have had nerves of steel, that’s for sure.<br />Did he go back home satisfied that he never gave up nor pretended an injury, or did he cringe at the ignominy of finishing last? Whenever you follow a game closely, be it lawn tennis, badminton or cricket, you can clearly figure out the moment at which the player gives up; the eyes tell you all. And from that moment onwards the faults and the mistakes begin. And the outcome is clear.<br />On the other hand, if you keep your fighting spirit alive and put in the same efforts till the last, even if you feel sure you are going to lose anyway, that’s when Destiny may surprise you. The trick is to keep focused on what you are doing and not let anything disturb your equilibrium. As Sapolai Yao did. All he was focused on was finishing what he had set out to do.<br />Yao had everything going against him. He was from one of the "smaller nation" participants to these "friendly games". He is just under 5 feet tall — the shortest amongst the participants in this race. The Delhi heat didn’t help either. And then of course he was last to finish.<br />And yet, Yao left an impression. Not just with me. Not just in India. He was also popular with the Melbourne public at the Commonwealth Games in 2006 for his efforts in the steeplechase! But I still don’t have an answer to the question — would I have carried on with such dogged persistence if I had been in his place? I don’t really know… Would you?Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-67279412912983049512011-02-26T22:19:00.000-08:002011-02-26T22:22:16.925-08:00A BIT OF GOOD IN ALL BAD...<p><em><strong>Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /></strong></em></p><p><em><strong>Instead of trying to change the one thing you do not like in your loved one, how about focusing on the many you love?</strong></em></p>Is there anyone in the world you like totally? As in, approve everything about that person, all the time? Even if you are wildly, obsessively in all-consuming love? Even if you have your rose-tinted glasses pushed right back up your nose? Can you honestly say there is nothing at all about your loved one you would rather change?<br /><p>Surely not. It cannot be possible to like everything about even the one person you love most in the world — be it a parent, a child, or the man or woman in your life! There will always be at least one trait you dislike, one negative you would rather wish away.<br />And therein starts our quest to change those we love most. If only that teeny weeny thing about them could be changed — a habit given up, a personality trait dropped or another acquired! Parents go beyond the formative years of kids and waste precious time and energy trying to change their adult offspring! People even attempt to influence a change in traits of old parents!<br />And yet one negative trait cannot possibly make you give up totally on a loved one. A recent article in Los Angeles Times talks critically of a therapist who advised a woman to totally sever all ties with her father since he was “evil”. When the author, a social psychologist Carol Tavris, asked the woman if she thought her father was 100 per cent bad, she replied, “No, I think he’s a normal guy who made some mistakes.”<br />For one negative, you cannot possibly give up an entire relationship. Couples spend entire lifetimes trying to change each other to tally with their idea of perfection.<br />How much better life would be if we just accepted each other as we are! And just learn to turn a blind eye to the little things we don’t like, even as we make the most of the vast things we love about each other.<br />Why is it compulsory to like everything about a friend? You can pick on what you like and focus on that, turning a blind eye to what you do not approve of. Must you go around trying to change the world? You can value a friend for her loyalty and generosity and forgive her for her streak of cattiness. You can love the side of her that you cherish and simply accept, even ignore, the one you disapprove of. What a sense of peace that brings to a relationship!<br />Now, if nobody can be perfect, no one can be all bad either. Even in the worst of humans, we can find some goodness we can relate to and appreciate. How can anyone be all good or all bad? How can you be all right or all wrong? You wouldn’t be human if you were! Gods and Goddesses too have their weak spots and moments. It was the wonderfully good, maryada purushottam (finest specimen of a human being) Ram who turned away from his devoted wife Sita.<br />Tavris in her article goes on to talk of Gandhiji ‘who reached the highest moral stage and yet often treated his wife, family and followers in a harsh manner’; Martin Luther King Jr, ‘who led the civil rights movement and gave up his life for it, yet was a womaniser’. Vietnam war hero John Paul Vann, ‘who performed astonishing feats of bravery, yet was an obsessive seducer!’<br />In her latest book The Power, Rhonda Byrne urges, “Notice the things you love in other people, and turn away from the things you don’t so you don’t give them any feeling.” She goes on to say, “If you can’t love the good in someone or something simply turn away … turn away by looking for the things you love in life!”<br />I have yet to read the book (even though the Newsweek review urges all to stay away from it), but to me the extract seems to echo what I am trying to say here.<br />Much like you would do at a buffet, take the best from each human being and from every relationship and enjoy it to the fullest. And just as you would walk past the dishes you don’t care about, do not focus on what you don’t like and so get hassled or make futile attempts to change it!</p>Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-44690257302725100402011-02-26T22:10:00.000-08:002011-02-26T22:18:22.046-08:00YES, THIS TOO SHALL PASS....<p><em>Vinita Dawra Nangia</em></p><p><em>Are you able to distance yourself from your problems and look at them objectively? Take control of the crisis before it takes you over!</em></p>WE grow up hearing platitudes like "This too shall pass", "When the going gets tough, the tough get going" or "Trust in God, all will be well. " These are the ways friends and relatives console and try to give strength to a near one in trouble.<br />Strangely, however many times you may have heard them, these words still end up comforting you when repeated in the midst of a crisis. It's like a reminder that troubles are temporary and will be followed by better times.<br />People react in various ways when in trouble. I saw a woman emerge from a hospital the other day, sit on a bench and start wailing. She didn't seem in pain and was accompanied by two young girls who ignored her distress except to tell her to stop making so much noise. This was obviously one woman who believed in making her distress public and seeking attention. In contrast, the girls stood in dignified silence.<br />Some people tend to draw succour from a clutch of people surrounding them during troubled times, others prefer to withdraw into themselves. The former seek advice from all around, the latter hold their own counsel and work on it. Some become irritable and snap at those around, while others remain calm and collected. Some prefer to close their eyes and almost wish troubles away, others get into warrior mode and take matters head-on.<br />The first thing to do when in trouble is to take control of the crisis before it takes you over. Typically with a health problem, you could get bogged down by the differing opinions of doctors and people around advising you to turn to alternative medicine or home remedies. In a marital crisis, you could be wondering whether to walk away or forgive your spouse, while friends confuse you with passionate, wellmeaning but wildly differing advice. Are you able to distance yourself from your own problem and look at it objectively That is the first step in resolving your problem. Ultimately, you are the only one who can take your own decisions.<br />While it is very easy to go under and give up hope, the survivors are the ones who look for a handle on the situation and just don't let hope die. One of the ways of doing that is to strategise in a crisis as you would for a business situation. Break up the situation into parts and segregate issues that are beyond your control and those that can still be dealt with by you. In a health crisis, you may not be able to reverse the situation, but at least you can take better care of yourself now onwards. In a relationship, only you know what you can live with and what you can't.<br />As you control and manage the manageable parts of the problem, you start gaining selfconfidence and see a glimmer of hope. This then shows you the way ahead. Confidence in yourself and hope are indeed the two qualities you need to keep alive during any crisis if you are not to become a victim to the situation. <br />While there is no harm in taking advice from well-wishers, remember most people dole out advice for lack of anything better to say. You have to be intelligent enough to be able to pick up the right nuggets and ignore the rest. <br />Some people tend to withdraw into a shell when surrounded by problems. They become quiet and reduce communication with the outside world. This is a way of conserving much-needed energy. Silence helps one focus on the issue and look at it objectively from every angle. It also helps one arrive at decisions with least interference from outside noise and with more clarity.<br />And then of course the belief that there is an end to every problem, whether you can see it or not, keeps you going. And however troubled you may be now, you can always look forward to a better tomorrow. That is the law of Nature. This too shall pass... <p><br /></p>Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-59548517731555220432009-11-29T22:56:00.000-08:002009-11-29T22:58:14.937-08:00RECURRING PATTERNS IN RELATIONSHIPS -- WHY ME?Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /><br />Have you noticed how we keep falling into the same patterns repeatedly, especially in relationships?<br />It took some time but finally she realised there was more than coincidence to blame for the way she kept getting let down by people she trusted the most. She would promote their interests, help instill confidence. And then the same person would turn around and stab her in the back!<br />This happened not once, not twice, but several times till she started losing confidence and became distrustful of all around, even close friends. It started way back in nursery class, when she would leave her prized pencil box with best friend Reema whenever she visited the washroom. “And still mom, my erasers and pencils get stolen,” she would complain.<br />Till one day Reema was caught stealing someone else’s stationery! And, Sanjukta realised she had been entrusting her property to the class thief! In fact, it took years of similar experiences before she realised something was seriously wrong! She invariably ended up trusting the wrong person!<br />It is then that she started questioning why this was happening to her repeatedly. Why me? Why does this happen to me again and again? Sounds familiar? Think about this; all of us go through recurring patterns with something or the other, usually someone or the other. Stray incidents manifest themselves as patterns once we recognise their frequency.<br />A psychiatrist friend talks of a woman who after an abusive marriage, walked into another wedlock with a guy who not just had an extra-marital affair, but is also mentally abusive. This particular lady comes from a privileged background and is an intelligent and well-sorted person. The psychiatrist wonders how such a bright and evolved woman could have chosen wrong both times for herself!<br />Such a recurring pattern may be negative, but could also be positive, points out friend and astrologer Sunita Chabra. However, we are unlikely to note the positive incidents; they get taken for granted. We are convinced that we are essentially good people and so don’t question the good things that come our way. It's only when things start going wrong that we start watching out for and questioning patterns! It’s then that we start blaming the world around for the chaos we find ourselves in.<br />Dr Brian Weiss, renowned American psychiatrist and past life therapist, explains that we get into recurring patterns because there are lessons to be learnt from past lives that we haven’t imbibed and till such time that we do so, we will find ourselves falling into the same trap again and again. Sunita agrees. However she says though we could blame Destiny for some of these recurrences, some could be due to flaws in our own personality too.<br />Dr Deepak Raheja, psychiatrist and psychotherapist, couldn’t agree more. “A pattern of abuse is like a self-fulfilling prophesy,,” he says. “It’s a defence mechanism called projective identification where we pull and attract through behaviour or our body vibrations situations or people who inflict similar kind of pain or act in a manner that helps the environment go wrong. And then we say the world is too chaotic for us! The paranoid instinct takes over and the picture that emerges is a tarnished, paranoid image.”<br />In order to break such destructive patterns, the first step is awareness. First, an understanding and an acceptance that one is a victim of such a recurrent destructive pattern, then an awareness as Dr Raheja points out, that the problem is within, not outside us. “We have to understand that the chaos we visualise the world to be, is actually a reflection of the chaos within us. We are attracting those people and situations towards us.”<br />So, a certain amount of soul searching is important. Even if we cannot understand why we are on this self-destructive trajectory, just an awareness that we are on it, is enough to set us on the path of healing. In fact, Dr Raheja goes a step further and says that these negative occurrences or people are not really destructive, but friendly because they help make us aware of the problem within. “Emotions that inflict pain help us develop cognitive skills that take us to the next level.”<br />Once we become aware, we can evolve to a higher plane of consciousness where we take ownership for our own actions and it’s from here that the change begins. Dr Raheja quotes Buddhism, which teaches you to pray for those that harm you most because they do so in order to help you realise problems within.<br />And, it’s when you start thinking thus that your cosmic relationship with that particular person starts changing and there is a break in negative patterns. And so, you stay away from the people or situations, who though still around, are not getting dragged into nor dragging you into recurrent patterns.Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-64135508618366188922009-11-29T22:45:00.000-08:002009-11-29T22:49:06.691-08:00IS YOUR MARRIAGE WORTH SAVING?Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /><br />One act of betrayal need not be the end of the road… if your marriage is worth it, fight to save it from a position of strength.<br />OUR inbox is flooded with mail after the column on conversations with a friend on the verge of a split (Anatomy of A Break-up, October 18). Mail from women in the same situation as Rashmi, my friend who was torn between forgiving a trespassing husband and walking out on him.<br />Women from different parts of the country, all with a similar story - of a husband dallying on the wrong side of the marital bed. A sorority brought together in my inbox by the common bond of betrayal, unimaginable pain and lots of questions. All extremely hurt, despondent, frustrated, depressed and very, very angry. All looking for someone to talk to, hear them out sympathetically. Plaintive calls for help.<br />All women have asked me one question. What should they do? They know their husbands are cheating on them, but are torn between the instinct to walk out on the jerks or hang onto the fringes of a tattered marriage for the sake of kids. Most of them haven't spoken of it to anyone; some have not even yet confronted husbands with the knowledge.<br />Surprisingly, each one of those who wrote to me has kids. Probably the decision to cut your losses and leave is easier where there are no kids.<br />I am neither a counsellor, nor a psychiatrist - two professions that would be best suited to help these women. But I would still like to address some issues raised by the letters, for all it is worth. As one of the women put it, "When I go to a counsellor, I feel like I've paid this person to listen to me and have a limited time with him/her. And I hate being told what I am doing wrong. I just wish to be told, 'Hey, it's ok to feel like you do!' And only a sympathetic friend can do that."<br />Having spent hours talking to two of my friends, one who chose to walk out with child from a cheating husband, and another who decided to forgive hers and stayed on, let me attempt to answer some questions thrown up by these letters. Let's call my friends Richa and Mahima respectively to protect their identities.<br />The most important question an aggrieved woman needs to answer seems to be, "Is your marriage worth saving?" Have you had any happy moments from this marriage that you cherish? If the answer is no, advises Richa, don't even waste time on the man, since the problem here seems to be much deeper than the affair. "And anyway, what are you fighting for? More misery? I could have forgiven my husband one affair if he had been repentant, which he wasn't really, but I left him for all the earlier misery too. My child and I are much happier and more secure after I took this step."<br />Mahima, the friend who chose to forgive, says, "I am together, sane and healed. I kind of went into a shell for a while. I pampered myself, soaked in my own positivity and saw things for what they are. I have truly forgiven my husband, forgotten the past and started afresh. The biggest positive is that I took my decision from a position of strength. I was ready to be without him. But then I was convinced that he was truly sorry and so forgave him because basically he is a good man."<br />In both cases, the women agree that once a considered step is taken, never look back or take yourself through the misery of the betrayal again and again. Forgiveness is, in a way, imperative in both cases for your own peace of mind. Even a separated Richa realised she had a lot of bitterness stored up inside her till she reached a point where she didn't care about her ex-husband enough anymore to harbour any kind of feelings for him - positive or negative. That's the point at which she let go the anger and found her peace.<br />Both Richa and Mahima stress the need of a good woman friend in such a situation. Says Mahima, "A close woman friend helps ground you by showing you the mirror. She can listen without being judgemental and you really need that kind of blind faith when you are feeling so totally betrayed! You need someone for all the times you either wish to cry in total self-pity as well as for when you wish to let fly vitriolic abuse against your husband."<br />Those who are financially independent are the ones who have a choice; while those dependent on their husbands for financial security are the helpless ones who don't know what to do. For they have little choice. The first thing for those women to do is find a means of livelihood with help of supportive friends and relatives. Once that is done, then they can take a decision from "a position of strength," as Mahima puts it.<br />To those who wrote to me, I would say, it's very important to make your own happiness because nobody is in charge of your happiness except you. And it's important to make peace with your past so it doesn't spoil the present.<br />The trick is in reaching out. The moment you do that, you would find a thousand hands to help you...Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-17749284072534233852009-11-29T22:42:00.000-08:002009-11-29T22:45:05.118-08:00EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL -- THE SILENT TREATMENTVinita Dawra Nangia<br /><br />Dr Benjamin Spock warns parents to put an infant to bed in an independent room from Day 1 and not to give in to cries in the middle of the night. He suggests that infants realize early that crying has parents rushing to their bedside and if successful once, will try the same trick every night!<br />If the art of emotional blackmail is something we are born with, why expect to grow out of it as we go on? Watch a child when it howls for something. In between heart wrenching sobs, he keeps stealing glances to ensure he hasn’t lost the interest of his target audience, mostly parents. <br />As besotted parents give in to the cute little tyrant’s emotional blackmail, this sets the pattern for the habit of a lifetime. All of us indulge in a bit of emotional blackmail; we give in to it or resist a bit of it every day in almost all relationships. And we even enjoy it in its most innocent form. A lover and a beloved, for instance make a fine art of emotional manipulation and cajole each other into doing what they want.<br />Emotional involvement with another creates undefined boundaries between people. Expectations have no set models and could vary crazily, thus setting the grounds for misunderstandings. Put together unjustified demands along with misplaced expectations and the situation could be rife for disaster.<br />Healthy relationships are able to define boundaries as they go along. Amoeba like they shift, adjust and realign themselves till a comfort level is reached for both parties. And all is well so long as both parties take considered decisions to accept, circumvent or reject attempts at emotional manipulation. So long as there is a healthy give and take both ways, there is no issue.<br />And hence there’s not much harm, and sometimes even pleasure, in giving in to a child’s innocent attempts at manipulation by using emotion as a threat. Or, even in indulging the beloved who refuses to talk, smile, or allow sex till some demand of hers is met. There is a light interplay of emotions in these circumstances that even helps cement the bond. There is a thrilling sense of power in watching your loved one give in to your emotional demands and a certain reassurance that can only help the relationship.<br />However, emotional blackmail isn’t always as simple or innocent as that between a child and a parent or an upset beloved with an indulgent lover. And often in the hands of the wrong person can become an instrument of emotional manipulation and control.<br />It’s when all demands emanate from one person and all adjustments are expected from the other that light, emotional interplay crosses the boundary over to heavy emotional blackmail.<br />It’s important to recognize the first indication that you are a victim of emotional blackmail before you get pulled along with the tide and find it difficult to extricate yourself, says Aruna, who has been a victim of such behaviour and was introduced to me by a psychiatrist friend who helped the couple out of a dead-end relationship. <br />The modus operandi of an emotional blackmailer is to play up emotions on an all-time high. Aruna explains how her husband would often threaten her directly or threaten to harm himself; at times he would act the martyr to attract sympathy or try to tantalise with attempted bribery. All the time he demanded an overdose of attention, expect his demands to be met at any and every time. Aruna reveals how she would spend all her time catering to his demands, whims and fancies. And he would never care about her needs or emotions ever.<br />Experts describe the emotional blackmailer as someone who usually gives in to fluctuating moods, is an intense personality who listens to dark music and is attracted by emotional lyrics and poetry. He normally blames the rest of the world for all his troubles, is a loner who claims nobody understands him and is someone who often threatens to walk out of relationships.<br />Aruna talks about another favourite technique of emotional manipulators. It is “the Silent Treatment,” she says with a sad smile. This is a great attention-seeking strategy. Such people withdraw, remain silent and don’t allow you an inch to approach them. “After an interval, he would turn up again and blame me for not being there when he truly needed me,” she says. It’s a no-win situation for the victim and helps manoeuvre you into the position the perpetrator wants.<br />How does one get out of such a situation? Aruna advises one must first and foremost understand they are being blackmailed and that this is totally abusive behaviour. The next step is to draw boundaries and refuse to be a victim anymore. It is important to understand and consider one’s own needs. And if need be, one should seek help. As Aruna did.Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-75458241442882672982009-11-29T22:37:00.000-08:002009-11-29T22:42:19.771-08:00PAPA DON'T PREACH!Vinita Dawra Nangia<br /><br />During a casual chat a colleague mentioned he had been an average student whose disillusioned father had at best expected him to man a grocery store. Today, as he handles a coveted position with The Times of India, he reveals how in his mind he is still trying to prove his worth to his father all the time.<br />Another colleague, whose bureaucrat father wanted him to follow in his footsteps, confesses he spent the first few years of his professional life trying to prove to his father how a job in the private sector has its own charms, even if not the security of a government job.<br />A friend who works with a private sector bank actually took a break from his job to take up teaching assignments in a couple of reputed private institutes. Later he admitted this was nothing but a subconscious attempt to prove to his father that even though he couldn’t get into an IIT, he could still teach management students!<br />Those who have stopped trying to prove their worth to Daddy are people who feel they have gone beyond expectations and whose parents have acknowledged that in so many words. Apart from that, deep down each one of us is more often than not trying to prove ourselves to our parents.<br />If so many of us grow up struggling with our parents’ notions of us, perceived or real, it becomes incumbent on parents to be extremely careful how they project their expectations and desires onto children.<br />There was a time when it was the most natural thing for parents to expect children to fulfill their own unachieved desires or to even follow in their footsteps. I can understand why a businessman would expect his children to grow up and take over the business. But I cannot understand why a politician would want his child to be a politician, a doctor expect a child to grow up into his profession, or a bureaucrat insist his child appear for the Civil Services exams at least once!<br />I even know a child who attended his father’s college briefly just to please his dad, before going on to the institute he really wanted to study at! While at one level, this may seem sweet and rather the act of an ideal son, can you imagine the pressure on the poor child?<br />Why are we in the habit of foisting the burden of our unfulfilled desires onto the next generation? Why do we feel obliged to decide for our children what we want them to do or be in life? In doing so, we assume that our child is our mirror image and wants exactly what we want of life. Or, worse still, when choices and desires obviously clash, we choose to believe we know better than our children!<br />The many factors apart from genes that go into the making of a person, along with evolution ensure that the next gen is totally different from us with shifting goalposts and a better idea of what they want from life. It would be foolish to assume we can impose dreams and goals onto them. Our dreams and desires must either be fulfilled by us or end with us. As simple and brutal as that.<br />With her years of experience as celebrated Principal of Delhi Public School, Dr Shayama Chona, now President, Tamana and author of Effective Parenting, says, “Everything in life is a payback. You give back to your children whatever you hear, see or experience yourself. Parents should really leave them alone to achieve their potential. Do not impact kids with what you want them to be. Understand what they want to achieve and give them the confidence that their parents support them for their desires and goals, rather than for fulfilling their own needs. Indeed families that give more importance to their children’s thoughts and ambitions achieve greater success with their children.”<br />It is equally important to be sensitive when telling off children or criticizing them. One has to understand that the effect of something we may say casually may become a lifelong albatross round the child’s neck. In his desire to please and inborn instinct to meet his parents’ approval, the child may carry the burden of an unfulfilled desire or an unmet dream all life through…<br />And then he could be a super achiever occupying a most coveted position, and still be thinking, “Hey Dad, I made it! Err, do you agree with me…?”Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-13484539724362250012009-11-29T22:31:00.000-08:002009-11-29T22:36:30.647-08:00WHEN ROMANCE ENDS...HOW TO PART ON GOOD TERMSVinita Dawra Nangia<br /><br />When Priyanka Chopra and Harman Baweja split, she seemed to move out faster and more smoothly from the relationship than Harman did. In a recent interview he talks about his suffering during the shooting of What’sYour Rashi? “There was a lot of awkwardness. It was hard to see her talk on the phone and text. I knew what was happening…” he says, hinting that Priyanka was carrying on with Shahid right under his nose.<br />Priyanka, on the other hand, well into another relationship, was seemingly insensitive to Harman’s suffering. When Kareena and Shahid split, Kareena seemed to move on more smoothly into a new relationship with Saif, while Shahid seemed to linger on in the now defunct relationship for a while longer.<br />Almost always when a relationship ends, one person tends to shed it off faster, while the other wades through the pain and grief of parting. How you respond depends on your personality type and state of dependence on your partner, but mostly is dictated by the manner in which the parting happened. Did one unexpectedly walk out of the relationship while the other was unprepared? Or, was it a slow and helpless falling out of love on both sides? Did the relationship have a history of one martyr and one perpetrator of injustice? Did one cheat or hurt the other in any way? Was there respect in the relationship?<br />What helps the process is if the break is for the right reason. If two partners decide to break off to move on to more positive and fulfilling stuff, the parting is likely to be amicable. However if one partner walks out more as a statement, seeking to hurt or ‘punish’ the other, the parting and subsequent interaction is bound to be acrimonious and painful for both. In order to have a peaceful after, it’s important to weed out the negativity along with the end of the relationship.<br />The younger and inexperienced you are, the more likely are you to take the break-up hard. However youth also grants resilience and a younger person is likely to recover faster from a break than an older one. Longer the relationship, the harder the hit. The hurt is bound to affect both partners; there can be no break without some pain.<br />However, in deference to the relationship and earlier shared love, it is incumbent on the break-up pair to ensure the impact on the other is minimal. Some people find it helps to have a “Transition Relationship” around the time of a break up. Almost always in a breakup, one person has found someone other to love, while the other is smarting under disbelief and grief.<br />The hurt person may attract such a temporary relationship, which often breaks up after a while. It is commonly looked upon as a “relationship on the rebound” that was a miscalculation and so, bound to break. However, I prefer to agree with those who look upon such transition affairs as a helpful hand Destiny extended to help us across a difficult period of life. And since such help is needed for just a while, these relationships, by their very nature, are destined to be short lasting.<br />The most critical thing to remember in the midst of all this grief is that time heals all. There comes a time when the heartache stops, tears dry up and the only emotion that remains is maybe a soft regret for what could have been. Unless of course you have reason not to let go that last link with the relationship. As with actor Rekha, who often chooses to create embarrassing moments by keeping alive the memory of her decades-old affair with Amitabh Bachchan. The Big B though, seems to have moved on. Unless he is a better actor than her!<br />One moves on and stops grieving, no matter how sharp and unnerving the parting. Knowing this as a reality in the middle of your tragedy helps. And what helps more than anything else is the knowledge that your partner, even though estranged, is still according you due respect and making an effort to help make the parting easier for you. And so, it becomes important that you return the favour.<br />You cannot predict or help how a relationship ends. But you can certainly choose to let go of it with dignity. For this, it is important to first accept that yes, the relationship has actually ended. The support of friends and family is something that should be actively sought to help you tide over the worst of the crisis.<br />Remember that under the stress of a breaking relationship, tempers can be mercurial; try and avoid getting into fights, and make some allowances for the other partner’s irrational words and actions; it will help you retain your sanity.<br />Even if you have moved into a new relationship, do not flaunt it in front of your ex or mutual friends. Every relationship needs a closure. It is important to talk as well as to listen, to discuss and together try to understand rationally and without emotion what went wrong. Also, take think of all the things you can do now that you will be free. Plan your days in a manner that doesn’t allow you time for brooding.<br />Try staying away from reminders of happy times, at least for a while. Those memories will bring a smile later, now they will only make you miserable. Do not try to “remain friends” at least at this stage…that’s unnatural and can perhaps come later.<br />If handled carefully on both sides, parting though still painful, can cease to be a lifelong trauma.Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955281060158771019.post-76539874766405266412009-05-04T09:25:00.000-07:002009-05-04T09:40:12.599-07:00Asin launches Times Nightlife Guide 2009<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3eqZavxnoc-hLwS5jFS_cHB_l2Z7g25voQSMmApawWV2eXSdeIMD6IOHKjCEmuDp8sC0hGb6YBXGhmQShY9yXiS5W8kVyP1xkKAlBWy5uJPh2wLzDVwDHz-A7WzBZzE73UFxh7ZZqZkX2/s1600-h/DSC_0497.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332006016604983858" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 214px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3eqZavxnoc-hLwS5jFS_cHB_l2Z7g25voQSMmApawWV2eXSdeIMD6IOHKjCEmuDp8sC0hGb6YBXGhmQShY9yXiS5W8kVyP1xkKAlBWy5uJPh2wLzDVwDHz-A7WzBZzE73UFxh7ZZqZkX2/s320/DSC_0497.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Vinita Nangia (author of Times Nightlife Guide) and Bollywood star Asin at the launch of Times Food and Nightlife Guide 2009 at Hotel Maurya Sheraton on May 3.</div><div>The nightlife guide lists the best bars, lounges, nightclubs and discotheques of Delhi and NCR. An annual event, this the Food Oscars of India, sees Bollywood stars and A-list celebs handing awards to Delhi's best restaurants and bars. </div>Vinita Dawra Nangiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16469761734200707862noreply@blogger.com0